I’m a 21F and I really want to explore my sexuality this year. For the past four years I’ve been abstinent. I’ve tried dating, and whenever casual sex came up I’d always say I didn’t agree with it, but lately I’ve been questioning whether that’s actually how I feel, or if it’s just what I was taught to believe.
Deep down, I feel like I have a lot of pent-up sexual tension. When I was dating, there were people I genuinely wanted to sleep with, but I always held myself back. Over time, suppressing those feelings has become harder, and now I’m wondering what I actually want versus what I was conditioned to want.
I have a lot of sexual fantasies and curiosity (pretty much across the spectrum; gangbangs, DAP, TAP, lesbian, orgies, trans women, the whole 9 yards), and I feel a strong desire to explore and understand myself better rather than keep repressing it. I want to have fun.
The complication is that I come from a very intense Christian background where these desires are considered shameful. That messaging still affects me a lot. One of my biggest fears is whether exploring my sexuality would somehow ruin my chances of being loved or married in the future. I was always told that men don’t marry women who are sexually experienced, and even though I know that sounds outdated, it’s hard to fully shake.
I’m not trying to be edgy or a “pick me.” I’m genuinely confused and trying to unlearn shame while figuring out who I actually am.
Has anyone else gone through something similar? How did you navigate sexual exploration, religious guilt, and fears about future relationships? And how on earth did you find these people? Sex clubs? Apps? I really want to be as private as possible when undergoing my exploration due to the reasons above.
\*Yes this is real.\* thanks in advance 💕