Tl;dr:
I’ve been dating someone for 5 months (30f/32M) after leaving a long-term relationship and have done a lot of personal work. I have strong feelings for him and he’s communicative, independent, and makes effort when concerns come up. Lately though, I feel a lack of connection and crave more affection, quality time, reassurance, and a sense that he’s genuinely excited to see me. I’m unsure how to ask for more because I struggle to tell what’s anxious attachment vs. real unmet needs, and I don’t want to overwhelm him. Bottom line: I want deeper connection and for the relationship to progress, and I feel confused about whether it’s too soon or how to communicate this.
The detailed, long winded version for anyone attention lol:
I’ve (30F) been seeing this guy (32M) for 5 months now. A month prior to our first date, I had gotten out of a long term relationship. That ex had moved out of state, and honestly the relationship was over long before it ended so it hasn’t felt hard to move on. I’m seeing a therapist, and I’ve done a ton of personal insight.
Seeing this new guy now and I have really deep feelings for him. He does all the right things, good communication, texting and calling when we are apart. He is clear on things that he needs and wants. He’s very independent and has a lot of hobbies(require a lot of time, we don’t share, not necessarily easy to learn for me- he’s acknowledged this and made it clear that he’s OK with it). He’s been fairly responsive to complaints I’ve had and I can tell he’s putting in intentional effort to meet me where I am.
Lately though I’ve been struggling to feel the connection between us. I find myself craving more affection, time, and reassurance from him. We don’t live together but we do live close by and it’s hard to be aware of that while simultaneously not spending time together? If it were up to me, we would just live together lol.
I guess I just don’t feel like he’s super stoked to see me, like it’s become a routine. We don’t have a ton of “fun” anymore. I feel confused and don’t know how to communicate my needs because I’m having a hard time identifying if they are needs or insecurities on my end. Either way, there must be a need that isn’t being met if I’m constantly feeling this way, right?
I have a personal have hard time asking for things. I hesitate before I text him first to see what he’s doing or initiate making plans with him because I think he’s got better things to do, or if he wanted to do something I’d have already heard from him. Sometimes I feel lame like the time I do wanna spend with him isn’t exciting enough, or that I need a grand plan to present him with- even though most of our time spent is just hanging out, watching a movie, cooking, at home etc.
I know I’ve got a bit of an anxious attachment, so Im constantly trying to discern my feelings that are stemming from anxiousness and those that are stemming from needs before I bring them to him because I don’t want to overload him- he seems so secure and I think from my perspective, if someone constantly came to me with these issues I’d start feeling insecure too? Like I’m doing something wrong?
Anyways bottom line is: I’m craving more connection, affection, and quality time. I want to feel like this person is stoked to see me. I want the relationship to progress beyond what it is now- is 5 months too soon? My head feels like a whirlwind