Posting on a throw away account to keep it private. As the title says my partner F31 and myself M32 have been together 5 years now and have a 2yr old child. Sorry this is long I have obviously missed out a lot but it builds the whole picture as best I can.
6 months after we met we set off to do some traveling and shortly after being away I noticed some red flags. After a week of partying without responsibility I made some comments about our budgeting and that we should calm down the drinking now and do some actual site seeing etc as we planned to travel for a year I started to notice she would pop to the shops on her own and poor alcohol into pop bottles also noticed she kept going in the pharmacies while away in Thailand and she ended up with a stash of tramadol, anyway the next chance I got I called her out on the drinking and said.. have you been drinking to which she made out I was insane for asking and no ofc not so I demonstrated that she is currently sat on the bed drinking from a pop bottle with alcohol to which she eventually admits and says it's not a big deal and she won't again.
Fast forward a couple of years this kind of behavior has never stopped it got worse, we went through rounds and rounds of arguments and she would constantly have flu like symptoms and been sleeping all day obvious to me now this is withdrawal, I found 100s and 100s of empty codeine packets over the years. Money missing, Constant denial that they are for someone else and how could I accuse her and promising this and that. Every single time I ever called her out for acting drunk she would push back at me with the how could you accuse me, all I do is my best I haven't drank I never do but yet there are empty vodka bottles all over the house stashed behind washing, under beds, under sofas absolutely everywhere at this point it's actually insane to try and pretend otherwise. But still she will never admit being drunk or high despite evidence everywhere and spaced out expressions, swaying slurred speach.
We fell pregnant at around the 2 and a half year mark and I was obviously terrified because I never planned for a baby being brought into all of this mess and the fact she could not quit, we had a serious talk and she opened up about everything said she has substance problems and she promised that this would be the making of her and it would be her drive, she would use this to cure her of all the addictions because what better reason.
Needless to say she absolutely did not quit she drank continually for the first half of the pregnancy despite a constant hounding from me to stop, she took to hiding away in spare room for an early night because she's worn out then would take pills and drink. In the end I layed out 24 empty bottles on the bed that I found in the room and made her look, I told her that if she didn't stop right now I would out her to everyone, this threat of shame actually worked and for the rest of the pregnancy she quit.
Shortly after our daughter was born she started again, im sure there was depression involved as childbirth and all the changes that come with it can really mess you up so I was a bit more lenient and patient, as time went on the effects were showing horribly she was utterly wasted all the time sleeping all day. My mum had to step in and start having my daughter every day while I was working, it got so bad that she kind of accepted that it was known and she didn't even care 18 months went by like this constant arguments and fights, denial. She started to be on her phone all the time going to bed at 7pm. We was in the middle of selling my house that we live in to move to a some land I hoped would isolate her from having these habits and she agreed, It was a real big thing throwing away more than half of the house hold stuff and setting up the new place there was a lot of physical work to do, very exhausting and tiring it was supposed to be a joint thing working and doing this for about 6 weeks before completion.
Anyway the week of completion one night she was utterly wasted and fell asleep with her phone on in her hand so I took a look and she had been using the telegram app to talk to another guy, the messages went back months and were full of nude videos and photos back and forth long messages and I miss yous etc. I actually broke down at this point I couldn't believe my partner who I had been so patient with had done this to me. I never got to find out the truth about it all but she said it was just a random guy she sexts and nothing more to it. We broke up lead by me and within a day she started seeing a new guy, I was really not in a good place for a while and reached out for us to have another go together after we had done quite a few co parenting days which was nice, at this point I didn't know she was seeing someone so she started seeing me and still him which I later found out by having a long convo with this guy who had also been filled with lies, she eventually put an end to seeing him and promised to commit to me.
The last few months have been the supposed fresh start at the new location, no drinking she told me she quit when we was apart but actually it's been filled with swaying, slurring, stinking of spirits all the time and finding empty bottles again, to which I'm constantly insane and wrong and those bottles are just old ones that needed throwing, and that she bought in her belongings etc. always some nonsensical childish justification.
Last week I bought an expensive breathalyser because I thought for my own sanity I'm not having this back and forth anymore I'll just get some closure and that'll be that, because to be honest I am genuinely starting to question myself and my own intuition.
This week I feel like I've hit the final wall and it wasnt even that big compared to previous ones. I took our daughter to the local play centre in the morning and my partner said she'll give it a miss, instead she said she was going to pop some washing to her mum's and do a load while I was there. Ok cool so I dropped her off at 10:45 and picked her up at 12:30 she climbs in the car eyes all out of it and stinking of spirits I say you have been drinking this morning she replies no I haven't I say yes you have you stink and are acting drunk, anyway the usual interaction goes on and 10 minutes later we get home, I put my daughter down for a nap flick the lights on on the living room and say please look at me and tell me the truth have you had a drink she replied no and says the smell is because my mum was drunk I said, listen I'm going to ask you to swear on our daughter's life that you haven't had a drink today she says ok and swears on her life, I then hand her the breathalyser and she suddenly gets nasty and wants to rush last me to the bathroom I said no please just do this it's 6 seconds and you can be in your way, so after some back and forth she blows a high score on the breathalyser, obviously I expected this but to see her so confidently lie all the way till the very last second and then just scoff and say "drinking ok" even when the scores on the screen has just made me realise am I with a total monster who cares for absolutely nothing but herself ?
Now the big things for me that I tell her all the time are, I know your a substance addict and in willing to work with it so when you relapse or have issues please just be honest don't defend it till the death and turn it around on me, just say yes, I say the gaslighting is the issue more so to me.
I'm not perfect at all I have my own issues and can be difficult to live with but I don't lie, I don't abuse substances and I make sure our family is put first financially and physically, I've never cheated on her or let her down. All of our arguments revolve around her behaviour with substances and obviously some cheating.
I feel so trapped because we have a beautiful daughter and I do love my partner deeply but I'm worried it's now trauma bonding ?, where do I go from here I could cut her off and start a new life with no contact and share custody of our kid through a third party. My other worry is that last time we split up she was drunk often whilst in charge of our daughter this is constant stress for me I don't want to have to worry, I really I want a nice family life with her but in starting to realise that this is probably actually impossible.