what’s a “green flag” you THOUGHT was cute at first but later realized was actually a red flag?
January 6, 2026
what’s a “green flag” you THOUGHT was cute at first but later realized was actually a red flag?
34 comments
Thinking it’s cute that someone “never gets jealous and trusts you completely”, but later realizing it’s actually total emotional detachment or zero investment in the relationship
Having watched my friend go through it:
New bf locks down the relationship hard and early.
Younger us: Hey, this is a massive green flag! He’s not afraid of commitment! So mature!
Older us now: TRAP, it’s a TRAP, ABORT ABORT ABORT, Do not collect go, do not collect $200, Run like your tampon string is on fire!
First few months, he said. “I’ll treat you like a princess.”
I realized later, he meant Diana.
Borderline “stalking”
Like him researching stuff about and your family. “Finding you” around campus. That kind of stuff…
Surprise visits. Dropping in unexpectedly just to surprise me or bring me a coffee all the time, multiple times a week on top of the days we were supposed to see each other. They quickly turned into “I know you said you wanted tonight alone/had friends over/were going out but I came all this way to surprise you/check in on you and now if you don’t change your plans or make me leave you look like the bad guy”.
Someone having very little sex partners or very few relationships….
Its cool at first because most people want someone with low miles, but when you find out that those low miles are due to them just not wanting to be sexual or not knowing how to navigate a relationship.
Him being protective. Initially it was nice to have someone that cared about my whereabouts and was concerned if I was at a grocery store late at night. He would care if I had to walk through a dark parking lot alone.
This turned into control quickly and would get angry if I actively chose to leave my house after the sun sets. If I went out to dinner with friends, to the gym, to run errands, he would actively be upset or give me an attitude. It wasnt about my safety. It was about keeping me inside. He would even do this in the winter when its dark at 4pm. I work a 9-5. Being out at “night” was inevitable.
It has resulted in crippling agoraphobia and anxiety related to time.
Touting the fact he went to therapy after splitting from his ex. All he was doing was weaponizing the fact that he had gone, and all the therapy speak terms that came along with it, trying to subtly boast how healed he was, and how ready for a relationship, and how well he would treat me.
Spoiler alert- he was in fact not healed. Treated me like a queen in the beginning, then that slowly turned into massive emotional abuse as 2 years went by. If anyone tries to sell themselves too hard on you in the beginning- run.
Thinking he is such a good listener and you have sooo much in common. Girl he is just agreeing with everything you say and shapeshifting his personality to match yours. People pleasing = LYING. Resentment soon builds and will be released inappropriately, as he can’t manage his emotions either.
Always wanting to be with me. Like every free minute, every day, every night. Abandoning their friendships. Ugh. Please go away 😭
Telling you “You can go through my phone and PC I have nothing to hide!” – I was like oh my finally someone honest and not a cheater. So I didn’t as I trusted the person only to realize he was cheating all along. Now I know it is clear the guy is fishy and hiding something if he has to declare it publicly like it is some accomplishment, not just relationship basics to not hide anything and not lie and cheat.
Honestly any kind of these public declarations from men – if he is too cocky and vocal about it all the time, it is most probably the opposite.
Sharing your past and traumas. I mean I personally like people who aren’t afraid to talk candidly and are in touch with their emotions. But many don’t understand the line between sharing and trauma dumping. I had one ex who would repeatedly tell the same stories and frequently talked about how he’s always felt the urge to off himself and has attempted to in the past. I felt bad because he’s had a difficult journey through life and went through some awful things. But I felt like caretaker more or less
I have dated 2 men who were in therapy and their communication skills still suck. So having been to therapy is not always a good sign.
Lovebombing!
Being really easygoing. No, you just don’t have any opinions.
People who seem to fall in love with you very fast. A whirlwind romance.
Often it’s “Love bombing”. It looks a lot like someone who is committed and knows exactly what they want. They pursue you hard and they do lots of things to impress you. It all happens very fast.
Then they pull away and start breadcrumbing you with intermittent affection and coldness and you’re left wondering where that wonderful person you met initially went. It was all a facade to reel you in.
Someone who defers to whatever you want to do, someone who agrees with you a lot or can’t hold on to their own opinion or stance if you disagree. At first it might seem like you’re getting your way and it’s great but you soon realize you need someone with backbone if it’s going to be lifelong.
What I thought was inner strength to deal with difficult situations was just a man that refused to try to change anything ever to avoid those situations in the first place. He’d then complain that he had tried nothing and was all out of ideas and that things weren’t magically getting better.
Love-bombing. I thought he was sweet and focused. Nope it’s a trap.
“Whatever you want”
It’s annoying when your partner has absolutely no opinion. And I end up deciding everything from where to eat, where to go, what we like. Ick
In the first week or two of dating, he found a dying baby bird and attempted to nurse it back to health. He then burst into tears when it died. Why was that a green flag? He never gave a shit about another human being in the way he cared for that bird. In hindsight, I wondered if it was an act that he was hamming up.
edit: bird added
I used to think that a bit of possessiveness was flattering, but now I’ve learned that it almost always escalates and is followed by jealousy and attempts at controlling and isolating me.
Being possessive. The whole “you are mine” thing seems so cute and hot. And then it shows its true face.
Not being afraid of a strong, outspoken woman. I still think it’s in itself a green flag, but I had two examples of the bad side of the coin for this.
Nr 1 was just a complete pushover. He subordinated everything to my wishes. At the beginning it’s flattering when someone puts you on a pedestal like that, but it gets annoying incredibly fast.
Nr 2 was a great partner at the beginning. He was sensitive, could communicate and generally is a nice human being. The problem became apparent when I had a crisis for the first time where I was weak and would have needed him to be there for me. He couldn’t handle it at all and I had to get through it alone. He wasn’t only not afraid of a strong woman, he needed one to rely on heavily.
The man I ended up marrying obviously doesn’t fear me either, but he is self assured and a strong personality in his own calm way, so there’s the green flag version.
It’s been said so many times already, but again because it’s sooooo bad: LOVEBOMBING!!
He brought sweet gifts when my period came. Stuff like my fav treats and small thoughtful stuff. Later when we had any disagreements, he would say it was because I was hormonal and irrational due to my period.
Ok hear me out: a certain kind of familial attachment.
As someone with a fraught relationship with my family, thought that it was lovely that my ex-partner was so close with his. He’d share beautiful memories, call them often. When his parents built a new house, they even reserved a bedroom for him, even though he had moved out at 15 and never lived with them again (not a guest bedroom – a bedroom specifically for him). Sometimes, when we were spending time together, he’d even open the webcam app so he could look at their yard or inside their kitchen to see what they were doing. When I asked him one December if he was flying to his parents’ for Christmas, he angrily said: “Why do you call it “my parents’ place? I live there, too!” He hadn’t lived with his parents in 16 years, half his life.
This looks like a green flag because, on the surface, it signals values we’re taught to admire: loyalty, love, responsibility, emotional bonds.
But he was not capable of forming a relationship with anyone else *besides* his family. It’s as if he had this intense devotion for them and no feelings left over for anyone else.
express your emotions. Now this is usually a green flag, but it can become so quickly “treats you like an emotional dumpster”. Like, vomiting on you their hate of something or their depressive thoughts or basically treating you like an unpaid therapist, and then, when asked to go and seek one “i don’t need therapy”.
Yeah my dude. You’ve just screamed like a banshee for 2 hours about how you hate your dad and you wished he was dead and all doctors (dad’s job, how weird) are scams and cons artists, but sure, you do not need therapy, you’d rather have me take it all in.
Feeling butterflies and blushing. My subconsciousness picked up on things that I just wasn’t aware of. Nervousness is not a good sign.
“it’s you and me against the world.”
Nah, it’s you manipulating and gaslighting me so I shut out the world and become your house slave. NEVER AGAIN
Saying “you’re too good for me, you’re out of my league, etc”…
Love bombing (pretending to be someone they’re not just to be liked)
Super close relationship with mom, where she babies them and doesn’t want to let them go/grow up.
not having a friend group. nice to be prioritized, but not healthy long term.
Always wanting to put things aside and move past things. It’s easy to do that when you’re not the one being dismissed, manipulated and ignored.
Words not matching actions. Like yes, obviously when they’re saying all the right things, but they treat you badly. That’s the obvious one. But, when their words are distancing and their actions are everything you could ever want – so confusing and easy to get caught up in. Once. Got caught up in it once. Lesson learned.
34 comments
Thinking it’s cute that someone “never gets jealous and trusts you completely”, but later realizing it’s actually total emotional detachment or zero investment in the relationship
Having watched my friend go through it:
New bf locks down the relationship hard and early.
Younger us: Hey, this is a massive green flag! He’s not afraid of commitment! So mature!
Older us now: TRAP, it’s a TRAP, ABORT ABORT ABORT, Do not collect go, do not collect $200, Run like your tampon string is on fire!
First few months, he said. “I’ll treat you like a princess.”
I realized later, he meant Diana.
Borderline “stalking”
Like him researching stuff about and your family. “Finding you” around campus. That kind of stuff…
Surprise visits. Dropping in unexpectedly just to surprise me or bring me a coffee all the time, multiple times a week on top of the days we were supposed to see each other. They quickly turned into “I know you said you wanted tonight alone/had friends over/were going out but I came all this way to surprise you/check in on you and now if you don’t change your plans or make me leave you look like the bad guy”.
Someone having very little sex partners or very few relationships….
Its cool at first because most people want someone with low miles, but when you find out that those low miles are due to them just not wanting to be sexual or not knowing how to navigate a relationship.
Him being protective. Initially it was nice to have someone that cared about my whereabouts and was concerned if I was at a grocery store late at night. He would care if I had to walk through a dark parking lot alone.
This turned into control quickly and would get angry if I actively chose to leave my house after the sun sets. If I went out to dinner with friends, to the gym, to run errands, he would actively be upset or give me an attitude. It wasnt about my safety. It was about keeping me inside. He would even do this in the winter when its dark at 4pm. I work a 9-5. Being out at “night” was inevitable.
It has resulted in crippling agoraphobia and anxiety related to time.
Touting the fact he went to therapy after splitting from his ex. All he was doing was weaponizing the fact that he had gone, and all the therapy speak terms that came along with it, trying to subtly boast how healed he was, and how ready for a relationship, and how well he would treat me.
Spoiler alert- he was in fact not healed. Treated me like a queen in the beginning, then that slowly turned into massive emotional abuse as 2 years went by. If anyone tries to sell themselves too hard on you in the beginning- run.
Thinking he is such a good listener and you have sooo much in common. Girl he is just agreeing with everything you say and shapeshifting his personality to match yours. People pleasing = LYING. Resentment soon builds and will be released inappropriately, as he can’t manage his emotions either.
Always wanting to be with me. Like every free minute, every day, every night. Abandoning their friendships. Ugh. Please go away 😭
Telling you “You can go through my phone and PC I have nothing to hide!” – I was like oh my finally someone honest and not a cheater. So I didn’t as I trusted the person only to realize he was cheating all along. Now I know it is clear the guy is fishy and hiding something if he has to declare it publicly like it is some accomplishment, not just relationship basics to not hide anything and not lie and cheat.
Honestly any kind of these public declarations from men – if he is too cocky and vocal about it all the time, it is most probably the opposite.
Sharing your past and traumas. I mean I personally like people who aren’t afraid to talk candidly and are in touch with their emotions. But many don’t understand the line between sharing and trauma dumping. I had one ex who would repeatedly tell the same stories and frequently talked about how he’s always felt the urge to off himself and has attempted to in the past. I felt bad because he’s had a difficult journey through life and went through some awful things. But I felt like caretaker more or less
I have dated 2 men who were in therapy and their communication skills still suck. So having been to therapy is not always a good sign.
Lovebombing!
Being really easygoing. No, you just don’t have any opinions.
People who seem to fall in love with you very fast. A whirlwind romance.
Often it’s “Love bombing”. It looks a lot like someone who is committed and knows exactly what they want. They pursue you hard and they do lots of things to impress you. It all happens very fast.
Then they pull away and start breadcrumbing you with intermittent affection and coldness and you’re left wondering where that wonderful person you met initially went. It was all a facade to reel you in.
Someone who defers to whatever you want to do, someone who agrees with you a lot or can’t hold on to their own opinion or stance if you disagree. At first it might seem like you’re getting your way and it’s great but you soon realize you need someone with backbone if it’s going to be lifelong.
What I thought was inner strength to deal with difficult situations was just a man that refused to try to change anything ever to avoid those situations in the first place. He’d then complain that he had tried nothing and was all out of ideas and that things weren’t magically getting better.
Love-bombing. I thought he was sweet and focused. Nope it’s a trap.
“Whatever you want”
It’s annoying when your partner has absolutely no opinion. And I end up deciding everything from where to eat, where to go, what we like. Ick
In the first week or two of dating, he found a dying baby bird and attempted to nurse it back to health. He then burst into tears when it died. Why was that a green flag? He never gave a shit about another human being in the way he cared for that bird. In hindsight, I wondered if it was an act that he was hamming up.
edit: bird added
I used to think that a bit of possessiveness was flattering, but now I’ve learned that it almost always escalates and is followed by jealousy and attempts at controlling and isolating me.
Being possessive. The whole “you are mine” thing seems so cute and hot. And then it shows its true face.
Not being afraid of a strong, outspoken woman. I still think it’s in itself a green flag, but I had two examples of the bad side of the coin for this.
Nr 1 was just a complete pushover. He subordinated everything to my wishes. At the beginning it’s flattering when someone puts you on a pedestal like that, but it gets annoying incredibly fast.
Nr 2 was a great partner at the beginning. He was sensitive, could communicate and generally is a nice human being. The problem became apparent when I had a crisis for the first time where I was weak and would have needed him to be there for me. He couldn’t handle it at all and I had to get through it alone. He wasn’t only not afraid of a strong woman, he needed one to rely on heavily.
The man I ended up marrying obviously doesn’t fear me either, but he is self assured and a strong personality in his own calm way, so there’s the green flag version.
It’s been said so many times already, but again because it’s sooooo bad: LOVEBOMBING!!
He brought sweet gifts when my period came. Stuff like my fav treats and small thoughtful stuff. Later when we had any disagreements, he would say it was because I was hormonal and irrational due to my period.
Ok hear me out: a certain kind of familial attachment.
As someone with a fraught relationship with my family, thought that it was lovely that my ex-partner was so close with his. He’d share beautiful memories, call them often. When his parents built a new house, they even reserved a bedroom for him, even though he had moved out at 15 and never lived with them again (not a guest bedroom – a bedroom specifically for him). Sometimes, when we were spending time together, he’d even open the webcam app so he could look at their yard or inside their kitchen to see what they were doing. When I asked him one December if he was flying to his parents’ for Christmas, he angrily said: “Why do you call it “my parents’ place? I live there, too!” He hadn’t lived with his parents in 16 years, half his life.
This looks like a green flag because, on the surface, it signals values we’re taught to admire: loyalty, love, responsibility, emotional bonds.
But he was not capable of forming a relationship with anyone else *besides* his family. It’s as if he had this intense devotion for them and no feelings left over for anyone else.
express your emotions. Now this is usually a green flag, but it can become so quickly “treats you like an emotional dumpster”. Like, vomiting on you their hate of something or their depressive thoughts or basically treating you like an unpaid therapist, and then, when asked to go and seek one “i don’t need therapy”.
Yeah my dude. You’ve just screamed like a banshee for 2 hours about how you hate your dad and you wished he was dead and all doctors (dad’s job, how weird) are scams and cons artists, but sure, you do not need therapy, you’d rather have me take it all in.
Feeling butterflies and blushing. My subconsciousness picked up on things that I just wasn’t aware of. Nervousness is not a good sign.
“it’s you and me against the world.”
Nah, it’s you manipulating and gaslighting me so I shut out the world and become your house slave. NEVER AGAIN
Saying “you’re too good for me, you’re out of my league, etc”…
Love bombing (pretending to be someone they’re not just to be liked)
Super close relationship with mom, where she babies them and doesn’t want to let them go/grow up.
not having a friend group. nice to be prioritized, but not healthy long term.
Always wanting to put things aside and move past things. It’s easy to do that when you’re not the one being dismissed, manipulated and ignored.
Words not matching actions. Like yes, obviously when they’re saying all the right things, but they treat you badly. That’s the obvious one. But, when their words are distancing and their actions are everything you could ever want – so confusing and easy to get caught up in. Once. Got caught up in it once. Lesson learned.