Hi everyone, I’m feeling conflicted and could use some outside perspective. Here’s the timeline of what’s happened between me (24F) and a coworker (31M):
- Jan–March: I joined the company, and we were just friends.
- April: He took me out for a celebratory dinner because I graduated.
- May: Took me for a steak dinner for my birthday and bought me gifts.
- June: Started asking to hang out almost every week outside of work. I was starting to catch on that he might like me, especially as coworkers began questioning our dynamic.
- July: I pushed him to clarify his feelings, and he admitted he liked me. He was so earnest and kind that I felt burdened by how I couldn’t reciprocate that intensity, and I didn’t want to give him false hope. I flat-out rejected him at the time because he had a reputation for being close to other girls at work, though I felt very safe and happy platonically around him.
- Aug–Oct: We still hung out closely, with a very borderline romantic vibe that was mostly unspoken.
- End of September: An ex-intern joined on a year-long contract. Two weeks after she came back, she confessed she liked him. He rejected her, saying he was still getting over my situation with him.
- Mid October: I told him I liked him (after having changed my mind a month earlier). He was happy but very taken aback, and a little frustrated because he felt like I was “fooling around” with him. He made it very clear he still liked me a lot and just needed to take things slow.
- His hesitation partly comes from personal circumstances: he’s tying up logistical loose ends with his ex of 8 years (they own a house together that they never lived in), and the fact that we are 7 years apart (me 24, him 31).
- Oct–Dec: We acted romantically toward each other, went on a company retreat (extended a few days together), and were intimate. During the scheduled company days, the three of us (him, her, and me) spent time together as friends – sometimes awkwardly. I did notice though that he would try to get me alone when possible. He's even offered to bring me around his friends for special occasions, and invited me for dinner at his place (where his parents are sometimes).
Occasionally I’ve voiced that I feel vulnerable and scared in this situation, and that I hate that this is happening because I had just become good friends with this girl. He apologises and says he feels awful about it, and if it makes me feel better he will remove himself from our circles so we can be friends in peace. He also told me that he was very overwhelmed by the awkward timing and that it was never between me or her – he just didn't know what to do with our friendship dynamic after knowing this information.
I've never really questioned his feelings for me because his treatment towards me has been consistent through everything. He respects me, and any time I voice that I don't like something or don't want to do something he always takes it seriously.
However, the other girl texts him a lot, and he responds to her. They have a lot of common interests, I assume they game together (he never mentions her ever), and go on 1-on-1 smoke breaks at work. This just frustrates me because I wouldn't stay friends with someone I've rejected. It's like he's okay with her thinking she might have a chance with him, even when he's in a situation like this with me.
Now it’s the new year, and nothing has really changed. We act like a couple: gym together in the mornings, go home together after work (once again, an unspoken routine) good morning/goodnight texts, verbal and physical affection, compliments, and he’s said he loves me a couple of times.
I know I have a history of trust issues (I've been cheated on in the past) so I feel like I’m being messed with, or that he might be dragging this out because of the validation he gets from both sides.
I want to trust him, but this situation makes me anxious sometimes. I’d really appreciate some constructive perspective.