I’m not sure what to do anymore.
I’ve been dating this guy I met in grad school for almost four months now, and I think I may have blurred lines too quickly or failed to clearly separate work from our relationship. We’re in the same lab, work on similar projects, and we’re extremely professional, no one knows we’re together. We often leave late because experiments run long, and he drops me off at home afterward (it’s like a 7-minute drive).
The issue is that, technically, we do see each other every day but it’s all lab/science related. The only actual “us” time is maybe 10 minutes in the car while he drives me home.
I have ADHD and anxiety. He’s autistic. I’ve communicated clearly that there’s a difference between being together at work and actually spending time together as a couple. I’ve asked for more time, more intentionality, more support. Yes, I know he has a short social batter, but it’s not like he’s spending it on me. This is still a new relationship, and I really like him. I know he cares, but he’s not very communicative.
He says he knows I want more time together and that he’ll plan something soon… but he never does. When he goes home, he’s resting (which I understand), but he also leaves me on read a lot. I try to be okay with that, neither of us are big “internet people”, but it’s getting harder not to internalize it. I keep feeling unwanted, like I’m asking for too much when I really don’t think I am. I’ve communicated everything short of begging (which I won’t do), and I don’t know what else to say.
He also doesn’t like coming to my place (I live with a roommate in grad housing), but he doesn’t plan alternatives either.
Part of me wonders if I contributed to this by not setting better boundaries earlier. Going home together every night might make it feel to him like he’s being a good boyfriend and that we’re spending quality time, when in reality, we’re just colleagues all day.
So now I’m stuck wondering: what’s the right move when you “see” your boyfriend every day but none of it is actually intentional relationship time? Do I pull back, keep things strictly professional in the lab, stop going home together, and let him actually put in effort to see me outside of work? And if he doesn’t, do I take that as my answer and walk away?
I also want to give him grace, his cat passed away recently, and I’ve tried to be supportive and give space. But now it just feels distant, and worse, like he’s completely fine with the distance while I’m quietly hurting.
I don’t know what to do. Sorry this is long 😭 I’m just really sad. Any advice or insight would be appreciated. I want to act normal, not out of emotion or harshness. What would you do to ensure you're keeping work out of your relationship and putting boundaries down? (But not as a consequence) I will not let him drive me home anymore. I do think I want to give him the chance to initiate things and maybe he doesn't realized that this drive home isn't a replacement of actually getting to know a person and investing into a relationship. Is there anything else I should do? Thank you xoxoxo ❤️💙