Hey all.
My fiancé (27m) and I (27f) have been together for almost 7 years. I feel like I'm at a loss and I don't know where to go from here.
My fiancé's mother and her biological mother (she's adopted, just found her bio mom about 5 years ago) have serious mental health issues such as borderline personality disorder, depression, etc. It seems that my fiancé is also showing more prominent signs of these disorders as well.
He gets extremely irritable, and will get himself so worked up that I can see he is literally shaking with rage. He'll then scream/curse/hit the couch, bed, etc. The last one was yesterday. He has never hit me or shown signs of wanting to hit me, even though I still get scared during these meltdowns.
We moved to Vegas about 2 years ago, almost 3 from the Pacific Northwest. Before that, we were living with his grandparents for about a year. Before his grandparents, we lived with his mom's family while I went to beauty school for 6mos, who we are now no contact with. Things have spiraled since living with his mom, and I know he is severely traumatized from things that happened in that house.
His father is not in the picture. They briefly tried to rekindle a relationship 5-6 years ago, but he started to get really demanding and weird if my fiancé didn't respond to him within a day. Mind you, his father has a rap sheet about a mile long of stalking charges, restraining orders, theft, etc. So basically, my fiancé was dealt some real shit cards in the game of life.
Fast forwarding to now again, focusing on our relationship.
At this point I feel lost. Hopeless, really. Since moving here, we've fought more than we ever have. It's usually fights about me not having sex with him enough. But I've tried to tell him that it feels like we have no intimacy between us anymore. I have such a hard time trying to get into the mood for sex, when it feels like at this point I'm just an object? I guess. When we do have sex, it's always doggy style. No kissing hardly. No real intimacy with it. There have been times where we go to start having sex, I grab a condom for him and start giggling about something, and it completely takes him out of the mood and sets him off because I basically wasn't moving fast enough for him.
He used to touch my butt when I'd walk past him or something, but that's pretty much it. No random hugs unless I initiate, only really kisses me when I go to bed, never plays with my hair or randomly rubs my back or anything. But now he hardly even does that unless I ask.
I've tried to work on everything that he's brought up. Helping with the house more, giving him blowjobs/sex more, etc.
I've asked him to work on intimacy, anger, and patience. But it seems like it just gets worse. Then, I feel like I'm always made out to be the bad guy or the villain in our arguments.
On the flip side – he does have times where he seems completely stable, happy, and laughing. And it's so great. But usually, out of nowhere, something in him snaps and he's angry, moody, and wallowing in his own sadness. It feels like he's constantly looking for something to be upset about and blow up over while I'm always walking on eggshells to try and mitigate anything that could upset him.
Money's tight, which plays a huge factor, I know. My parents (who also live in Vegas) have tried so hard to be in present his life and give him some parental stability in a sense. But I also feel like he can be really rude to them and pushes them away. We have no friends here, and we hardly leave the house. He complains a lot about it but never really does anything to fix it.
There's so much more I could write. I guess I'm just venting. I'm not sure what kind of advice I could get here. I would appreciate any insight, especially if you or your partner deals with any mental health disorders like this.
Thanks for reading