I’m looking for some outside perspective because I feel really stuck and emotionally exhausted.
I’m a 28M and my girlfriend is a 28F. We’ve been together for 5 years and lived together for a while now.
My side:
My girlfriend has a very demanding job and is a workaholic. I understand it’s tough and high-pressure, and I respect how much she cares about her career. We live roughly in the middle of both our jobs, but her commute is much worse with traffic, so she often stays late at work or goes out with coworkers, friends, or family near her office. Most nights she gets home after dinner, we say a few words, and then we’re basically getting ready for bed. We both leave early in the morning, so quality time feels almost nonexistent.
About a year ago, I caught her emotionally cheating — nothing sexual, but she was lying to me about where she was and who she was with. That really hurt. I decided to stay and work through it, but if I’m honest, I still feel resentment about it.
Her side:
She says I don’t show enough affection, don’t make her feel desired, and that we don’t have enough sex. Hearing that was painful but probably fair. She’s also been very clear that right now, her priority is work and that she genuinely loves her job. She says she feels resentful toward me for not putting in enough effort over the years.
Where we’re at now:
I’m fully committed to staying and trying to fix things. I’m actively working on being more affectionate, initiating sex more, complimenting her, noticing the small things (like her outfits), and making her feel wanted and desired.
She, however, is torn between staying and breaking up. She says the resentment she feels makes it hard for her to want to keep trying — and I feel resentment too, both from the emotional cheating and from feeling like I come second to her job.
The breaking point was recently at her best friend’s wedding, where I admittedly had a bad attitude and we got into an argument. It kind of unleashed everything that’s been building under the surface.
Am I being unrealistic thinking this can still be fixed?
How do couples realistically rebuild intimacy and trust after resentment and emotional cheating?
Is it possible to make this work when one person is all-in and the other is unsure?
Am I overcorrecting by taking on all the responsibility now?
At what point does “working through it” turn into dragging out the inevitable?
I love her deeply, but I’m scared that even if I change, it won’t be enough — or that we’re just incompatible at this stage of life.
TL;DR:
28M, 28F, together 5 years. She’s a workaholic, we barely spend time together, and I still feel resentment from her emotional cheating. She feels resentful that I wasn’t affectionate enough and that our sex life suffered. I’m committed to fixing things; she’s deciding whether to stay or break up. Looking for advice on whether this is salvageable or if we’re just holding on too long.