My partner (32M) and I (29F) have been together for 4 years. We currently live 3.5 hours apart. After many difficult discussions, he has finally agreed to move to my city. While I’m grateful for the sacrifice, I’m starting to realize that even if he is physically closer, I might always be his second priority.
We come from an Asian background where family is everything, but I feel like this has reached a level that makes a future together impossible. Here are the main issues:
1.The "One Week" Rule: He wants to travel back to his hometown for one full week every single month to be with his parents (he's able to work remotely). They are healthy and don't require care. He just wants to be there. When I expressed that I’d feel lonely being left alone 25% of the time, he told me I should "compromise" because I live near my parents and he doesn't. He also doesn't think it's an issue since he's visiting his parents.
2. Children: I’ve always wanted children and he never said he doesn't want any. He recently told me he now doesn't because of his father’s history with Nasopharyngeal Carcinoma. However, he previously blurted out that kids would "reduce his flexibility" to visit his parents. I feel like he's using a medical excuse to cover his priority of being available for his mom. I don't want his parents to be the reason why I'd regret never having children of my own.
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The 'front seat' incident: Once, when I had a splitting headache, he asked me if I can move to the back seat of the car because his mother "prefers" the front and gets nauseous otherwise.
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The Double Standard: When he stays with me, he calls his mom every single day to check in on her and give her an update on his life. When he is back home, Im lucky if I get one phone call a week.
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When his mum calls, he picks up immediately: When we were away on a trip and I told him I felt scared/uncomfortable. He told me he'll stay with me throughout but left me alone in the room in the morning to go call his mom.
I feel like I am dating a man who is already "married" to his mother’s needs. I love him, but I can’t imagine a future where I’m not constantly waiting for him to leave me the moment she calls.
How do I get him to prioritize our relationship as we move toward marriage?
TL;DR: My BF is moving to my city but insists on spending 25% of his time back home with his mom. He has decided against kids (partly to stay flexible for his parents) and consistently puts his mother’s comfort (like seating arrangements and daily check-ins) above mine. I feel like the "other woman" in his life.