Looking for perspective from people with LTR experience.
Recently reconciled with my Ex after a 3-month breakup and rebuilding trust for a monogamous M2F relationship. Trying to keep factual to gain seasoned perspectives.
When I first dated my partner and asked him about a friend group I was meeting and upon finding out he tried to date one I asked him to distance himself in order for us to have a relationship. He texted her a month after that for a holiday, but honored that request to not text for the duration of our relationship. (I’ve found out since then that he’s maintained connection with her as a FB friend the whole time but seems like he only watches her stories, no DMs.)
We’ve been back for a month and recently he informed me that he’d like to keep his female friendships. I asked for more details and he shared that during our time apart he reconnected with the woman I’d previously asked him to distance from.
That reconnection between them included emotional venting about our relationship, sexualized comments towards her/her continuing chat without addressing it, and her recent breakup with proposed one-on-one outing with him as long as I was okay with it.
I learned about all this after the fact, and it was framed as maintaining important friendships and with his further comprise to keep her as a FB friend only. Hearing his request and then his pushback after I explained again why that wouldn’t work for me, and it really made me angry so I escalated to telling him he’d have to choose between her or me.
(To clarify, we’ve previously discussed in-depth what monogamy and relationship boundaries look like to me. So this feels like a betrayal to me since he maintained texting her after we reunited and only brought this topic up only after she asked him out.)
He later suggested that we’d actually get along and be great friends if I gave it a chance. That felt like such a slap to my face.
Unfortunately I feel extra hurt to find out later he has discussed this situation with a therapist, but never came to the conclusion himself that he should close those chapters down permanently in order to move forward with me and our renewed commitment for LTR.
It’s been a day and he hasn’t officially reaffirmed that choice to disconnect from his girlfriends and I think it’s because I coerced him and he’s hoping his other therapist tomorrow will give him information that will help us reconnect. I’ve had regular panic attacks since this event, and he’s tried his best to console me with meditation techniques and suggested additional couples counseling to help us resolve my discomfort.
I want to be fair: I’ve seen genuine growth in how he handles conflict and emotions after I express my feelings and explain all the reasons why something hurts me. He also is proactively in therapy and shows love to me in so many consistent, meaningful ways. I believe he’s willing to learn, and that this could be something we work through due to his efforts and evolution with practice.
My real question is about long-term reality:
When partners are willing, but have very different views on sexual entertainment, boundaries with opposite sex, and emotional safety requirements, does that gap usually close over time, or does it tend to resurface despite efforts and therapy?
I’d appreciate hearing from people who’ve lived this, thank you for your wisdoms!
TL;DR:
Reconciled with my ex and rebuilding trust. He reconnected with a woman he’d previously tried to date, vented about our relationship, made sexualized comments, and continued contact after we got back together—only telling me once she asked him out. He sees this as maintaining friendships; I see it as a boundary violation given our prior monogamy talks.
He’s in therapy and showing growth, but our views on opposite-sex boundaries differ. From LTR experience: do these gaps actually close, or do they resurface?