I’m (33F) struggling with the fact that I don’t enjoy, or often even want, sex with my husband (34M) anymore.
We've been together for 6 years, married for 3.
A big part of this is lingering resentment from years of arguments about mental load and the division of household labor. This includes cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, caring for our dog, and managing rental properties. Throughout our relationship, I’ve done the majority of this work. Part of the reason was that my job allowed more flexibility and work-from-home options, while his job requires long nighttime shifts. We’ve always earned similar incomes, so it was never a financial imbalance issue.
Two years ago, things really escalated. Around the same time that we adopted an 8-week-old puppy, I went back to school for my master’s degree. I was working full-time, taking nearly a full course load, and ended up being the puppy’s primary (often only) caregiver. I repeatedly asked my husband for help. We even made weekly chore lists together and hung them on the fridge to make expectations clear.
About a year ago, I finally snapped. I had just finished finals and was preparing to host a party the next day, with guests arriving in less than 12 hours. The house was a mess, the dog hadn’t been exercised and was still full of energy, and I was exhausted. My husband came home from an outing with friends, sat on the couch, and then picked a fight with me.
Our sex life had already been declining because I felt overwhelmed, unconsidered, and disrespected. After that night, it dropped from about once a week to maybe once a month, and even then sex felt like a chore that I just wanted to be over.
Afterward, I had a serious conversation with him about my concerns around having kids. I told him I was questioning whether I wanted children at all, because it felt like I would end up as a married single parent. Becoming a father has always been very important to him.
Initially, he was defensive and said nothing he did was ever good enough. After a few weeks, though, he decided to start individual therapy. After several months, he genuinely seemed to turn a corner. He began taking more initiative around the house, apologized for the past, and we started couples counseling as well.
He’s also made other positive changes, like going to the gym and playing sports with friends. Previously, he would come home from work and immediately sink into the couch and watch TV every day.
Despite all this, I’m still holding onto a lot of resentment. I begged for help for nearly 18 months and was met with defensiveness and stonewalling. It wasn’t until a therapist told him the same things I had already said that he finally listened.
Now he’s frustrated with me. He feels like he’s put in all this work and that I should be able to “let it go.” We currently have sex about once a week, but he says he doesn’t feel desired and worries I’ll never want kids again. From my perspective, it feels circular: I need consistency and time to rebuild trust and desire, but he feels I should already be over it.
Is there anything I can do to move forward here, or to figure out whether this resentment is something I can realistically work through?
TLDR:
I did the majority of household responsibilities while I (33F) and my husband (34M) work fulltime, but I became overwhelmed after getting a puppy and starting school at the same time. I was stonewalled and dismissed when I asked for help, but when my husband started therapy he changed his ways. I am struggling to not feel resentment over the past and to both fix our sex life and decide to have kids.