My [28F] husband [27M] and I used to have a great sex life, [been together 8 years] but this past couple years has been a struggle. He usually finishes within seconds or a couple of minutes. This was not a problem during the first 5 years of our relationship. I feel like the longer we have been together the shorter he lasts.The problem is that while he’s satisfied, I am left feeling incredibly frustrated and disappointed.
I have brought up how I've been sexually frustrated to him three times in the last year. Every time, we have what feels like a "good" conversation. We’ve ruled out stress, health issues, and external factors and he says he’s fine. He was actually surprised that I am feeling this way.
Despite our talks, there has been no effort on his part to change the routine, try new techniques, or focus on my satisfaction once he’s done. He’ll perform oral, but only for a very short time. On the rare occasion he does last longer, he becomes totally disconnected and becomes what I can only describe as a "fuck-goblin" and just rails me until I’m sore and in pain. There’s no middle ground, no rhythm, and no intimacy.
I feel invisible. When he’s fast, I’m unsatisfied. When he’s "working" he’s not paying attention to my needs. He says he has no issues, but clearly, our sex life is broken.
Recently, I had to ask for a break because he was railing me for so long I wasn't even wet anymore and it was just painful friction. He went straight to the bathroom to jerk off to porn. Also recently, after he went down on me, I started to suck his cock and he came after my first lick. Wether he has stamina or not I am left unsatisfied.
He seems perfectly happy with our sex life but I am miserable. I feel like he’s "performing" sex at me rather than having sex with me. How do I get him to understand that I need him to be present and actually listen to my body, and not just go through the motions?
30 comments
*Note to self…Fuck Goblin is bad…
The only way to solve any problem is to talk about it. Address the issue and talk about it when making love. That’s what you need to get back to, making love. Not about performance but the place where two souls meet together.
Porn addiction?
Sex counsilor should be able to help unless he just doesn’t care and only worried about himself.
Ouf this is a hard relate :
feel like he’s “performing” sex at me rather than having sex with me.
Thats such a turn off. I dont have advice, but I think its from early age porn access. It teaches that THAT performance is what sex is, some get upset why you dont fake moan and also ‘perform’ like sex workers on pornhub, because thats the norm (mechanics, not presence) they have learned.
You can talk about his background, what sex is to him and how he envisions it and be mature about it.
Well of course he’s perfectly happy with the sex life. He is dictating everything and always cums.
What happened 3-4 years ago in the relationship? Anything significant or life changing? Because whatever it was, he started to focus solely on his pleasure and not care about your pleasure anymore. He’s using your body as a fleshlight.
I think you are looking for magic words to get through to him but there is none. You’re telling him you’re not satisfied- *he doesn’t care*. He is perfectly fine to go jerk to porn instead of making sure your body is lubricated enough to have sex. There isn’t much lower than that.
If it were me, I’d stop letting him use my body for his sole pleasure until I got the respect and open communication needed to work through this issue.
If he’s not listening to you there’s nothing you can do. He knows, he’s not stupid. He can take directions and feedback at work, he’s a capable adult (presumably).
I would suggest not letting him in you/giving him oral until you cum at least once. And be more willing to stop unsatisfying sex.
The real key here is that he does not fundamentally care about your pleasure. If he did, he would listen and make a change. Maybe you stepping away from unpleasurable sex would help, but it’s sad that you would have to essentially force your husband to give a shit about your pleasure. I know that you’re married and have built a relationship/life together, but I would be heartbroken if my partner treated my pleasure as irrelevant. Not yelling divorce, but if you were unmarried/in a newer relationship I would be considering breaking up.
Do you feel like your opinions/wants/needs are disregarded outside of the bedroom as well?
You say he doesn’t “listen to your body.” Have you tried using your voice? In the moment, not after the fact?
I know it’s not easy to do if you’re not accustomed to it, but you can’t expect him to just magically know you. Have you ever talked during sex? I feel like couples fall into the trap of “going through the motions” because they already “know what works.” But, bodies change constantly. What was good at age 20 may not be good at age 30 or age 40 and so on and so on.
If you’re having sex, and things are going in a way that you don’t want, do you redirect? Or ask him to do things differently? It’s tricky with sex because you don’t want to be clinical and perfunctory in the moment. That can kill the spark, but you really need to make sure to be clear. Don’t just be suggestive or try and provide signals when something is good. Also, take the lead sometimes. If you’re on top or the one doing the motions, then you can control the pace.
If you are communicating clearly, and he’s not listening, then stop having sex all together and tell him it’s a deal breaker for you if you guys can’t fix it. (And, it should totally be a deal breaker for you, if it isn’t.)
My partner finishes quick, too. I don’t mind it, because I don’t cum from PIV. He always makes me cum first. If he’s not finishing you off, I wouldn’t be having sex with him. You’re not just a hole.
Sex therapist maybe? It can also be the case of **he knows, he doesn’t care.** But don’t for a moment think that you are asking too much here or that you could be wrong. If he doesn’t wanna actually do the work… Well I would consider if there was sex anymore. Like, at all.
Definitely was gonna say sounds like a porn addiction for sure. Ugh, such a turn off. Porn has ruined boys & men. Sorry, but it’s true.
It’s not about stamina, the issue is that he doesn’t care about your satisfaction at all. It might not be the best solution, but if it were me I would tell him that he isn’t allowed to finish before you. But in this case he’ll probably just watch porn more often.
When was the last time he gave you an orgasm? Is he aware of the fact that he has a lot more irgasms than you? If he does and still doesn’t want to do anything about it, he’s extremely selfish and it might be a reason to re-evaluate the relationship. If he does want to try it, make sure you are also giving him feedback. Don’t wait for him to find what works, try to find it together.
He needs therapy for his porn addiction
Don’t let him penetrative you until you came at least 3x.
I’d bet my bottom dollar that there are other problems happening in your relationship. Are you finding that the relationship in general feels more like a roommate or “business partner” relationship? Detachment from your pleasure points to detachment in the other emotional realms of the relationship. This is happening to my best friend, too, and it’s very sad to witness. She has repeatedly brought up the issue and her husband is in denial that there is an issue. And as long as he denies there’s an issue, he’s unlikely to work with you on a solution.
If you really think this is worth fixing, you’ll have to repair the empathy between you first and foremost. It sounds like a lot of resentment has accumulated over the years…maybe at some point you started taking each other for granted, and then you stopped assuming positive intent from each other, and then you stopped trusting each other, and now when he hears you discuss your concerns he is just hearing a personal attack which is deepening his disengagement. There’s also something to be said about how difficult it is to break long-standing habits.
Right now, nothing you say about the sex is going to change it. You need to get back to the basics and work on your bond. This sounds crazy and might make you dismiss everything I said here, but you might actually want to try MDMA together. Yes, it’s a club drug, but there is nothing like it for being able to have difficult and emotional conversations with empathy and honesty. If you take it safely, it might be able to facilitate an emotional breakthrough that you can build on.
Hmm…well part of it is would say is hes not listening to you if there was no effort on his side to change things up and refuses to continue until you come. I mean theres foreplay as well that can be spent time on longer so he can help you climax
As far the fuck goblin side thats worrysome since hes not listening to you at all and just goes to your sore
It sounds like hes more concerned about his own satisfaction than yours
Besides that idk much about sex therapists but that could be an option as well
Hes “SURPRISED” that less than two minutes of fucking is not pleasurable for you?
I dont think he knows what that word means because thats not surprising in the slightest.
Do not have any sex with him until you orgasm first. period. its unfortunate he literally does not care about you being pleasured, he’d rather rail you painfully for malicious compliance. But stop having sex with him if you never orgasm and just get more sexually frustrated. thats not fair nor mutual.
How many times does he have to tell you loud and clear that he doesn’t care about your sexual satisfaction? What are the consequences of him not caring?
I am echoing someone else and am wondering if anything changed for him or you guys a few years ago. When did the sex start getting more selfish?
Because you don’t have to make him understand. There isn’t a magic combination of words that’s going to make it so he understands what you need and he starts to work to meet those needs. He KNOWS. He’s not stupid. He just doesn’t care enough to make a change, for whatever reason.
He knows that your sex life is different now. If you had a good sex life before, he knows your body intimately enough to know you aren’t experiencing pleasure. And he is absolutely okay with that.
The bigger question is why is he okay with that? What has changed so that he no longer sees you as a participating partner in your shared sex life.
That’s the real question you need to ask.
You have the power to stop him just performing sex at you rather than having sex with you by refusing to participate until he spends more time on oral and actually shows you that he cares about getting you off with his actions.
He’s satisfied with it because he’s getting what he wants out of it.
What you describe is a very characteristic pattern of a pornography addict
I think the bottom line here is that he is focused on his pleasure, and doesn’t care at all about yours. So he’s using you like a pocket p**** to bust a quick nut, or railing you like a pornstar when he wants something different. Of course he’s happy with your sex life – it’s serving him perfectly.
There are many red flags in what you’ve written here but I’m short on time. In my experience, this shift in the bedroom is a representation of something else going on in your relationship, either for one of you, or both of you. Sex life is nothing but a symptom of the relationship. You need to treat the root issue.
A break meant he went to jerk off to porn in the bathroom? Lady, what?
Good and satisfying sex in a relationship is something all parties involved have to want for the other or you’re just wasting your time. What happens when you have clear and direct conversations with him about the deficiencies of the current situation?
He’s become hypersensitive. i’m sure it’s embarrassing for him. If you lick him and he expires, that’s physiology. It’s going to take kind talking. Walk him back through the steps. Get yourself to the point of cumming before he goes in. Masturbate while he watches. Change it up and modify your expectations.
How do you respond to him? Do you give him a hard time? Do you warm him back up for a second round? Do you tell him what he needs to do?
The porn thing is comfortable for him bc he’s not disappointing anybody, but with you he feels like he’s not meeting expectations.
You do not touch his cock, you do not look at it or let it anywhere near you until he has made you cum. Ideally twice.
First thought, he was using PEDs in the dating phase.
He has a Porn addiction. Until he addresses that he will not change a thing.
Get a vibrator and use it. If he isn’t into toys then he’s not into mutual pleasure. I’d leave
Fucc goblin 👺 👹
So he won’t go down on you to completion?
That’s the real problem right there.