My partner M28 I, F38 have been together nearly four years. We were friends before we got together and I’ve mentioned to him on several occasions that the age gap and having a DD could be challenging for him. Initially, I pushed back on a relationship fearing it might be too much for him. However, he was adamant that it wasn’t an issue and we’ve got along so well and there was clearly something there. We share similar hobbies and interests and do loads together. My daughter alternates weekends with her father, so we get time alone too. He visits me when I have her and I visit him when I don’t.
We have a long-distance relationship (2 hrs). He’s been struggling to make the move and has changed his mind several times. He was planning to move when his last contract ended but decided to get a job there and stay. He’s now just bought a house there and said he’ll start a new contract with his current company in the same area, when this one ends on Sept 26 which will be at least another 2 yrs. I can’t move because of my daughter.
This situation has created tension and arguments between us. I’m unsure about his feelings for me because he’s finding it difficult to make the move. I understand that it’s a lot to expect and I know I need to let it go and stop bringing it up. However, it makes me feel like he’s not seeing a future with me. When I talk to him about it, he says he does and when I suggest separating so he doesn’t have to carry this burden and so I don’t have to keep waiting, he gets genuinely upset. I think constantly bringing it up is driving us apart and I know that’s on me.
He moved to a new company in October 2024. Shortly after, he made his Instagram account private and a photo of my children on his feed disappeared. It ended up being archived and apparently, he has no idea how. The only way to access it was to scroll down to it, press and hold, select the archive option and confirm. He’s been adamant and never admitted the obvious truth about deleting it. I found this strange because everyone we know (except these new colleagues) knows about me and my children as they see my posts and follow me on Insta too.
On Weds I mentioned that DD had started a new hobby. He said that X at work likes it. I suggested that he should mention DD doing it and get some tips for her. He replied, “Oh, don’t want to get into a conversation about DD with X.” This seemed odd to me. I asked if they knew about DD and he said no. I asked if they knew I was older and he said no. I assumed that since they all discuss events holidays weekends etc and he knows who has kids/wives/girlfriends that he’d of obviously mentioned me and DD at points, like our holidays together.
It was only a few weeks ago that they found out we had a distance relationship and some found out about me at all. I had sent some Xmas cakes to his work as a surprise and thanks for helping me move. I was told it was awkward because they were all asking questions about who they were from and then asking about me and where I lived. I think he initially tried to say he didn’t know who they were from. He worded it as having the “Spanish Inquisition” and how awkward and embarrassing it was for him. Yesterday, I asked if no one had mentioned in all the questions that day, “Why doesn’t she move to you?” because he would surely have had to mention DD. He said no one questioned that.
We’ve done several holidays with the three of us since he started there and we’ve had weekend activities with DD. However, he’s been twisting information and lying by omission this whole time to avoid them knowing about DD and, I assume, my age. Honestly, I’m not sure how long he tried to hide me altogether before it became too difficult. It doesn’t sound like they know much at all, so I understand being private. However, he’s clearly going out of his way to hide things. They’ll all have weekend chats as he tells me what they’re doing, like “X went to X restaurant with his wife on the weekend and said it was good.” He comes to me every other weekend.
He told me I was overreacting. I don’t even know them, it’s not an issue. He’s not hiding it; he just doesn’t talk about his personal life. They know everything else, events and hobbies. When I said it wasn’t because he’s private and it “hasn’t come up”, he actively lied about events to hide it. He tells me it doesn’t mean he’s ashamed or embarrassed; he just “didn’t want questions”. I need to get over this. He’s now apologising and saying he understands, but shortly after he keeps making comments that make it clear he doesn’t think it’s an issue.
So, I’d really prefer to get ⬇️votes and be told I’m overreacting like he said and that it’s perfectly normal. I love this man with all my heart and I honestly believe he loves me too. However, I think it’s clear (despite how amazing he is with DD) that no one who’s truly happy lies to cover up parts of their relationship. Hopefully, I’m just being an idiot and you all humble me.
TLDR:
Partner M28 of 4 years lying via omission to co-workers to hide that I have a DD and age F38. Keeps changing mind about moving here (2hr distance).