Okay so here goes, sharing my marriage life on the internet.
My husband (31) and I (30) have been together for 9 years and married for almost a year. The first few months of marriage were great, but after that things slowly became… quiet. I can feel a disconnect.
We used to be able to talk about things on a deeper level thoughts, feelings, life stuff but at some point, that stopped. He no longer seems curious about my thoughts or really anything I say. He spends most of his free time gaming, which I told him it's fine I got my movies you got your game so you do you, but it gets to a point where it's constant barely any interactions but when I try to talk or start a conversation, he's not present and often on his phone. Even when he sits next to me, he’s usually on his phone watching reels.
I’m an emotional woman and I can be very direct and honest. He told me that when I point things out even small things or things he’s said it makes him feel like he’s “walking on eggshells” He’s even admitted that sometimes he avoids asking me questions because he’s afraid of what I might say, and it really got me thinking what did I say that was so triggering and I have reflected on this for so many years, I’ve adjusted myself a lot. I avoid bringing things up so he won’t feel uncomfortable or defensive. Over time, I’ve ended up repressing a lot of my thoughts and feelings, and I hate that.
We’ve talked about communication so many times, and one day he said that if I needed someone to talk to, I should just make new friends. At first, I thought, okay, I can do that I like meeting new people but that’s not what I meant. I don’t want just anyone to talk to. I have sisters, I have friends, I talk to them, but I always thought my husband was supposed to be my best friend the person I could turn to for everything, the one I trusted to understand me. It really hurt to realize that, for him, I’m not that person the way I thought I was.
Another thing that’s been hard: when I try to express my emotions, he hugs me aggressively and says “I love you” I don’t need that, and it’s starting to feel like a way to get me to stop talking about my feelings because he feels overwhelmed. It makes me feel like I can’t be fully honest without being silenced
I don’t know if this is a common dynamic, if I’m asking for too much emotionally, or if we’re just very different in how we connect. I also don’t know how to communicate my needs without making him shut down.
If anyone has been on either side of this I’d really appreciate insight or advice. How do you respond when your partner needs emotional connection but you feel overwhelmed?