I (F33) just visited my grandmother a few days ago, and she dug up some photo albums from my childhood for me to take home. In between the photos, there was one from my parents’ wedding and it was the first time in perhaps 15 years that I have laid eyes on my biological father.
For context: my parents divorced when I was 3, peacefully, and I did see my biological father quite a bit for a few years after that. However, my mother found a new partner and at some point (perhaps around when I was 7) she started saying it would hurt my “dad”, if I expressed the need to see my biological father. I then stopped saying I wanted to see him, but the details are blurry and I’m not sure if he even still wanted contact. He for certain stopped paying any child support and she did not "chase" him for it.
At some point (around the age of 12), his mother died and that was the last time I saw him – at her funeral. My mother then asked him to reach out to her afterward so that he could help with signing some paperwork (I needed a passport) and he went “missing” after that. My mother filed for revocation of his parental rights (which he didn’t contest) and we moved on without him. My mother and stepfather are still together and he basically raised me.
It wasn’t a happy childhood, far from it, actually, as both of my parents have severe issues, and it was quite difficult to grow into adulthood with them around. I have strained relationships with them now with an almost non-existent one with my stepfather.
The photos, however, stirred something in me. I used to really, really miss my biological father (bear in mind, I didn’t actually not want to see him), but as years passed, I thought about him less and less and just accepted that he didn’t want me in his life – or so I thought. Apparently, I have pushed down any feelings I might have on this subject so much that I hadn’t realized just how bothered I am about it.
I have a good life now – a boyfriend of nine years, a cat, a dog, a nice flat and solid friends. However, I cannot get over being stuck between thinking about how my life could look different with him in it and wondering whether he actually didn’t want any contact or perhaps had different reasoning (he has a tendency to disappear on people, and even his siblings didn’t know where he was for a long time).
Then there is the matter of my grandmother (his mother). I know she died of cancer, but I have no clue what type. I don’t think my mother or grandmother know the specifics and I don’t think I’d trust them to give me an accurate answer. I am, however, worried that it might be hereditary and I would ideally like to avoid having to deal with the reality in which it’s too late.
I wanted to reach out to him in the only way I see as a faint possibility, which is through Facebook, as he seems to have an account (it doesn’t seem “active,” though, but neither does mine and I still check my messages and use it for contacting people). I wanted to simply ask about family medical history to at least put my mind at ease and know whether he developed any genetic illness over the years, as well as to get more information about my grandmother’s health.
I prepared a very short message, apologizing for reaching out and quickly asking him about it, with a disclaimer that if he doesn’t want to or cannot give me any information, I of course understand. I’m not sure, though, if it’s a good idea to send it. I am very aware that he will most likely not respond and I’m preparing for that eventuality. However, I don’t want to wake up 20 years from now thinking I didn’t try or end up sick and regret not having attempted this while there was still time.
I feel like he will maybe think it’s not a valid reason to reach out. I don’t want anything from him, I don’t expect a relationship, help or anything of the sort. It would, however, be nice to know whether he’s still alive. I’m not sure if any of this makes sense, or if I’m losing my mind and slowly descending into madness 🫠
Is it even a valid reason to text after all those years? Shouldn’t I assume that if he wanted contact, he would reach out and therefore I’m invading his privacy? Will this be a betrayal to my stepfather?
TL;DR: I (F33) haven’t spoken to or seen my biological father in 20 years and am torn over whether reaching out is appropriate.
3 comments
It doesn’t sound, from what you have written, that anything you do will be a betrayal of your mother or stepfather.
Be prepared, however, for your father to not want to respond – you may find that more upsetting than you think now.
Edit to add: on rereading your post, I do get the impression you want to reach out for more than medical history, even though you seem loath to acknowledge that. It’s totally understandable to want to know who both your parents are especially when your life with one of them has been so tumultuous. I also apologise if I am barking up the wrong tree here.
Just to reassure you in case you dont hear from him, hereditary cancers are more likely to develop in someone <50. The most common causes in people over 50 is older age, sun exposure, poor diet, smoking and alcohol use. These are all modifiable risk factors and exposures other than aging
There’s no reason not to reach out- especially since you have no idea what the situation was when you were a child and if your bio dad wanted to maintain contact but was told not to. The worst that would happen is he wouldn’t respond.