I (34F) am struggling to be intimate with my partner (49M) and need some advice as to how to improve the issue. For context, we have known each other for about four years and have been together just over a year. We have a great relationship with each other and with our kids/families. We do not live together, but we are together more than apart. The communication is great. The emotional connection is immense. He is not physically the type I would have usually been drawn to (I am petite and seem to like the large/hairy/burly/dad bod look), but I am physically attracted to him. I can get all tingly just looking at him or touching him through clothes. Generally, I am a very sexual person. I regularly enjoy the amateur stuff on my own with toys. In the past with partners, I have been very into intense, high-energy activities and often want to be the one in charge of those activities. I know what I want, I enjoy what I am doing, the goal is to please my partner to the max. My focus is on my partner, not me. I like it that way. I love snuggling with him and feel completely at peace when we are cuddled up. The issue is, I just can’t seem to get my sex drive back when it comes to initiating or wanting (without him already in there) to be intimate with him. It’s not there. I love playing with him. I love how he feels during sex. I love performing oral on him. I do not like him performing it on me and have tried to give some guidance there, which he is open to but keeps going back to his way (it does not feel good and often actually hurts – there’s teeth). It does not feel good when he uses fingers (his nails have cut me a couple times, or he rubs somewhere that wouldn’t normally be rubbed and ends up hurting also, which we have talked about too). I check out mentally often. I sometimes dread bedtime knowing he will try to initiate something. We often end up in positions where I know it will be over faster because I don’t want to drag it out. I don’t want to be on top, and that is not like me at all. I’ve talked to him about the specific things that are turn offs for me and made sure I am aware of any for him also. I sometimes find myself feeling annoyed even, like I just want to be done. He gets in his head if I am too quiet, and I am not someone who usually is quiet because I make noise when I am enjoying myself whether I want to or not – so I’ve been faking it (sounds and breathing) because otherwise I am completely silent. I have never felt like this with a partner. I have never felt such intense emotion for anyone either, so that makes it even more confusing. I feel awful. I tried to talk to him about it in a way that would not be offensive or make it feel like I am not attracted to him. He says he is open to that communication, but his face often tells a different story – he is very confident in his “abilities” (I feel like maybe others have simply not been open with him) and he looks annoyed with me for challenging that. I’ve regularly asked him to guide me in his preferences/dislikes so what I am doing is specific to him and enjoyable for him, and explained I feel like that communication is important since every partner is different and it doesn’t offend me. I have struggled with depression for a long time, and I know I am in a low period right now and have been for a bit, which can impact my sex drive. Honestly, it can be difficult to be motivated to do much at all some days. He told me he thinks that may be why I am not initiating. It seems to be specific to intimacy with him though. I don’t know how to fix it. I want to go back to my enthusiastic, choking on it, cowgirl self – but with him.
ETA: He has asked why I am not like that with him, and he would be into that also.