[Disclamer] Sorry if this sounds blunt or emotionally flat — I’m using ChatGPT for translation, and it doesn’t fully reflect how emotionally difficult this situation is for me.
TL;DR;
I (23M) have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (24F) for 2 years. Since she announced an autism diagnosis, her behavior has changed significantly, with frequent meltdowns mainly occurring during activities involving me or my social circle, while she has no issues during events she chooses herself. She refuses to provide any written proof of her diagnosis, despite past inconsistencies with self-diagnosed or false medical claims, and becomes defensive when I ask for transparency. I’m struggling to understand whether this is a legitimate medical situation or something being exaggerated, and I’m unsure how to move forward.
Hello Reddit,
I (23M) have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (24F) for 2 years. Until recently, our relationship was generally stable, with normal ups and downs like any couple.
From the beginning of our relationship, she showed signs of strong anxiety and occasionally had anxiety attacks, but they were rare and usually triggered by very specific situations. At the time, I saw this as significant anxiety, but not as autism.
About a year and a half into the relationship, she began questioning her behavior, how she functions, and her life in general. Seeing her in distress, I suggested—although it wasn’t really my place—that she consult a professional (a neuropsychologist or psychiatrist) to get answers. I did this out of concern and care.
She has since stated that she was diagnosed with autism.
However, since this announcement, her behavior has changed drastically.
She now has much more frequent meltdowns, including in public, with compulsive behaviors and intense withdrawal phases. For example, during a New Year’s celebration with my friends, she started doing the dishes frantically, isolated herself in a room, screamed and cried, then spent the rest of the evening sitting silently in a chair before leaving early on her own. I tried to comfort her, but she later reproached me for not letting her handle her meltdown the way she wanted.
This type of behavior never happened before, especially not with my group of friends, with whom she previously had no issues.
Another element that deeply confuses me is that these crises seem to happen mostly when she is in situations she does not want to be in, particularly those related to me, my friends, or my social circle.
On the other hand, when she attends events that she organizes herself, goes shopping with her friends, or participates in private family events with her mother, everything goes well. She tells me she feels fine, there are no crises, no meltdowns, and no apparent difficulties.
This contrast is hard for me to understand, because when it comes to activities involving me or my environment, the crises are frequent, whereas when it involves her own plans or people close to her, there seem to be no issues at all.
The social aspect has become very difficult. My friends and my brother no longer understand the situation. I’ve sometimes tried to explain that she is autistic to contextualize her behavior, but I realize this isn’t really my place and that constantly saying “she’s autistic, don’t blame her” is awkward. Ideally, either she should inform people herself, or I should be allowed to do so beforehand with her consent.
At this point, I no longer have the support of my close circle. Several people have told me I should leave the relationship, saying I will end up unhappy. I still love her, but the relationship has become very distant and almost entirely platonic. On top of that, her diagnosis is constantly brought up in our conversations, which makes the situation emotionally heavy for both of us.
Recently, after a major argument via text messages, I asked if I could see a document confirming her diagnosis. She told me that neither the psychiatrist nor the neuropsychologist gave her any paperwork, report, or written proof of her diagnosis.
This is particularly troubling to me because, in my country, we have a citizen health account system, accessible through our national ID, which centralizes all medical consultations and diagnoses since childhood. According to her, there is no record at all, which I find very strange.
When I expressed my concerns and my need to understand, she immediately became defensive and accused me of not trusting her.
This situation makes me even more uncomfortable because she has previously self-diagnosed or lied about medical issues:
She claimed to have ADHD, which her mother later confirmed was false.
She also claimed to be allergic to peanuts, which led me to adapt her meals for a long time, before I eventually found out she was not actually allergic.
Looking back, I realize I ignored several red flags, probably out of love.
My question is:
Do you think she may be exaggerating or instrumentalizing her autism diagnosis, or am I simply struggling to understand a complex medical and psychological situation?
Is it unreasonable to ask for a minimum level of transparency in a serious relationship, especially given these inconsistencies and the clear difference in behavior depending on the context?
Thank you to anyone who takes the time to reply.