I (28F) could really use outside perspective. My boyfriend (35M) and his close friend (32F) both think some texts I sent were inappropriate/aggressive. Since they agree, I assume I messed up, but I genuinely don’t understand what about it came across that way (for context I’m autistic and do genuinely need detailed explanations of obvious things sometimes). I’d appreciate some help so I don’t repeat the mistake.
Background: My boyfriend (“Dan”) has been close friends with “Tess” for years. Early, before I dated Dan, there was some question of whether he and Tess would date, but nothing ever happened. I’m okay with that as he is definitely not interested in her now. However, they used to spend every Christmas together (along with Tess’s other friends). During our first year dating, Dan forgot our own Christmas plans and booked flights with her anyway. I let it go. During that trip, Tess tried to hold his hand while drunk (once, never again).
This January, Tess visited us and stayed at our place. Dan and I agreed ahead of time that he’d spend Day 1 of the 3 days she was here alone with her and I’d be included in the other 2.
On Day 2, I told Dan I’d sleep in due to a medication issue and said they should go to breakfast without me and I’d join afterward. He agreed. I told him I’d be up by 11am at latest. I woke up to an empty house at 10:30 as expected. He called me at 11am asking if I wanted anything from the store on their way back. I said no but thank you. I then waited thinking they were on their way home with the car to pick me up and would arrive any minute. Several hours then passed with no update. Eventually I texted asking if I’d see them at all that day, thinking maybe plans changed or I misunderstood. When I finally heard back from Dan I had already decided I should just do the things I’d been putting off while waiting for them and had stepped out for my walk. I didn’t want to tell them to come get me when they’d have to wait for me to get back.
Here are the texts (sorry can’t attach a screenshot):
Me: When are you coming home? Will I see you at all today? I thought y’all were just getting breakfast
Him (20 min later): We’re thinking of taking a walk by the river. Shall we pick you up?
Me: It’s fine, I’m already out at this point and after that I’ll probably apply to jobs and stuff
Me: For context though, I might’ve wanted to be included in activities earlier in the day and probably will around dinner at least if that’s okay with everyone
Him: We’ll all get dinner together. Tess just spontaneously wanted to go a few places we passed after breakfast
Him: I’ll include you for anything you like
Me: Okay thank you
Dan later told me my messages were aggressive and showed them to Tess, who agreed. I was trying to express that I was a little disappointed I wasn’t included earlier but without hurling around accusations or making it a huge deal (bc it wasn’t, I understand it wasn’t intentional!). But clearly it didn’t land that way.
My question: What specifically about my texts comes across as aggressive or inappropriate? How could I have communicated this better?
TL;DR: My boyfriend and his close female friend think my texts were aggressive. I don’t see it, but since they both agree, I want help understanding what I did wrong and how to communicate better next time.