TL;DR: After I set basic boundaries around my baby, my mother went behind my back to see her, accused me of using my child as a weapon, and threatened lawyers. My father and sister backed her. My husband defended me and we’re now no contact, but I’m struggling with guilt and old family trauma resurfacing.
TW: emotional abuse, childhood abuse
Full story:
I (30F) am married and have a baby daughter(2MO). I’ve had a very difficult relationship with my parents my whole life, especially my mother, including emotional and physical abuse in childhood, which I’ve worked through in therapy for years.
Since becoming a mother, I’ve set boundaries with my parents: visits must be coordinated, I don’t always respond immediately to messages, no kissing the baby on the face, and don’t take her out of my arms without asking.
Recently, my mother called wanting to see the baby. I told her the baby was with my mother-in-law and that we could coordinate another day. After hanging up, my mother contacted my MIL directly to see the baby anyway. When I confronted her, she said: “But it’s the baby.”
Things escalated. My mother accused me of: using my daughter as a “hostage”, prohibiting her from seeing her granddaughter (not true, they see her at least once a week!), needing to adapt to their schedules since I’m not currently working. She also threatened me with lawyers and grandparents’ rights.
My sister sided with my parents and said she’ll always intervene if I set limits because she feels bad for them.
My father sent me an audio yelling that “no one threatens him” when my husband told him he would contact a lawyer himself if they continued down that path, but my father spoke calmly to him about the issue. He told me I shouldn’t have involved my husband and minimized my mother’s threat as something said “in the heat of the moment.”
My husband defended me and asked for distance. Since then, we’ve gone no contact.
Now I feel guilty and conflicted, even though I believe I’m doing what’s best for my child.