My(49M) brother (47M) and his wife(46F) are In an Open Relationship and they have a son(20M). We used to be swingers back in the day before we became parents, when I was with my ex girlfriend(42F) (bio-mother of my daughter) . But since my daughter ( 24F) was born our relationship turned sour and we broke up. I've been with my now wife(45F) for almost 15 years now. My ex deserted our daughter and my wife stepped up. Our daughter calls her mom and our family is very tight knit. The drama with my ex was pretty hard on our family and my brother and his wife even told me that this lifestyle isn't compatible with our family anymore and I assumed that was end of it.
A few years ago, they borrowed my lake house. When they returned the keys, my brother mentioned off-hand that there was a 'fresh scrape' on a support pillar in the garage that 'must have been there before.' I’m a bit paranoid about that house since it's empty for many months so I had installed security cameras in the driveway and the exterior outside the house in our property, so I went back into the nest history to see exactly when it happened. I found the clip of them pulling in, but I saw a guy I didn't recognize getting out of the back seat and heading inside with them. It wasn't just a romantic getaway. I confronted my brother about it later and I warned him that they should keep this stuff off my property and focus on the family and their relationship rather than these stuff especially now that the kids are older. He brushed it off.
Two days back my nephew showed up at my doorstep unannounced and asked if he can stay and I agreed. I didn't mean to make him uncomfortable and ask him why he showed up but my instincts were telling me that it had something to do with that. It wasn't long before I called my brother and informed him that he was here and apparently he had found out about their open relationship and had a full on meltdown and attacked his mom and when his dad tried to stop him my nephew beat him up. It's deeply upsetting to know that he laid his hands on his parents. This boy is literally an angel. He's smart, brilliant, very kind to everyone and we all adore him and he's hurting badly now and spiralling.
My brother isn't telling me everything he did slip up that they were hooking up with a younger man who might have known my nephew. I think there's more to this. I tried pressing them like how do they know him and how he knows my nephew or how did he even find out but he wouldn't answer questions.
I've tried asking my nephew but he doesn't wanna talk about it and i respect that. Now my brother is asking me to kick him out so they can "talk some sense" into him. Last night my wife tried to console him and cheer him up and she told me that he apparently cried. Our whole family is in a big mess here. First off I'm pissed that my brother brought this upon himself and wouldn't listen to my advice years ago and second I'm worried that my nephew's gonna tell his grandparents about this. My parents are old fashioned folks i can't bring myself to tell them that I was a swinger two decades ago or that my brother is still doing that shit all these years later.
Tl;dr my brother wants me to kick my nephew out of my house after he moved in with me after he found out about their open relationship.
10 comments
This is a tangled mess. Your brother’s choices have repercussions, and now you’re caught in the crossfire. Focus on your nephew; he needs support, not abandonment. Don’t let family shenanigans dictate your actions. Keep communication open with him and gently encourage honesty when he’s ready. It’s about addressing feelings, not hiding from uncomfortable truths.
What they do in their relationship is their business. Clearly however they have done terribly at preparing their child for the idea that monogamy can look other ways than what is considered traditionally acceptable. This will take more than one conversation for their child to understand. Also, you need to stop creating a judgmental atmosphere about their behavior. Just because you feel shamed about your past doesn’t mean that’s the correct way to feel or that they need to as well.
Stick by your nephew, he did not ask to be raised in a swinger home. Clearly they dont care about the consequences of their actions.
It is also very creepy of both your brother and SIL to be sleeping with someone their sons age, no wonder he lost his mind.
Your brother is putting his sex life above his child. There is no sense needing talked into your nephew, its your brother that needs some sense knocked into him.
You need to be there for your nephew. There’s obviously a lot your brother isn’t telling you. I’d put good money on nephew having walked in on or discovered that Mum and Dad are schtupping one of his high school friends or college mates. That’s got to be a lot to handle for a 20 year old.
Parents need to put their children first, regardless of their own sexual desires and they don’t seem to have done that. Plus, your brother gets zero say in either who you have living in your own home or where his fully adult son lives. Sounds like it’s time for them all to give each other some space.
I applaud this decision to house and support your nephew. It sounds like the young man (hooking up with your brother and his wife), could be a friend of your nephew. This is predatory and disturbing. Your nephew may need therapy for the betrayal. Your brother and sister in law, are truly selfish.
Support your nephew until he’s in a condition/situation to go it alone or you find trustworthy evidence that his assault on your brother and SIL was not instigated by some very inappropriate sexual activities by your brother and SIL towards their son . The swinging – PPFTT ! But the fact that as one of their partners they chose a young man their son’s age who he might know – suggests they involved a sexual surrogate for their son in the sex games/ sexual fantasies? And his parents ( probably his mother) either tried to include him into their swinging or he witnessed their sex games with the younger partner playing him !? If your nephew won’t talk about the situation I due to shock, mortified embarrassment or guilt, I would suggest you encourage him to seek therapy .
Your brother’s behavior is absurd. He’s trying to push his own family chaos onto you while disregarding your nephew’s wellbeing. Support the young man; he’s in turmoil after discovering unsettling truths about his parents. Focus on being a solid figure for him rather than catering to your brother’s nonsense. Family comes first, not petty demands from adults caught in their mess.
It’s obvious when your bother slip that the younger guy was someone his son knew. His son probably found by a rumor going around or video proof of the guy banging his mom.
I know it’s an immature joke with teenagers and young adults about banging someone mom but if it’s actually did happened most people would snap.
He shouldn’t have attacked his mom (maybe he thought she was cheating on his dad) and if it was really serious your brother would have called the cops and press charges. That’s how they teach him a lesson that physical violence is never acceptable. I’m guessing your brother didn’t want to call the cops because they don’t want this getting out beyond the household.
Your house. You don’t have to kick your nephew out. If you think your brother will tell him or your parents because he wants to say “See OP use to swing as well, that’s why his first wife left”. You should sit your nephew and your daughter down (they old enough) and tell them about your past. Then tell your parents.
If they have an issue with their son because they got caught having sex with his friend, that’s a “them” issue. They can “F” all the way off if they think you’ll push your nephew out just to force him back to them. There’s definitely more to the story here, and you have yet to hear anything that would indicate sending him back would be safe for him.
The man (not boy) is literally not an angel. He’s 20 and thought it was appropriate to physically attack his mother. if he’s willing and able to attack his mother, there isn’t a person alive that he wouldn’t physically assault. I’m not saying you should kick him out. I am saying that if you allow him to stay, you need to be vigilant and he needs a lot of mental help. he has it in him to fly off the handle, and he has it in him to physically attack a woman in his rage. the bar for him assaulting someone that is not his mother is going to be a lot lower.