Being with a full-blown pathological narcissist fucked me up in ways I didn’t even realise while I was in it. Four years of my life feels less like a relationship and more like straight up conditioning. Now that I’m out, I don’t recognise myself at all. It feels like my identity has been erased.
I only figured out he was a narcissist a couple of months ago, and honestly I don’t know what fucking dreamland I was living in all this while. Right now I feel completely clueless. Everything feels fake. Like a sham. I genuinely feel like I’ve lost the ability to tell what’s real and what’s not anymore.
Some days I just sit there. Blank. Not crying, not thinking, not doing just existing. I don’t know how to get out of this version of myself that I don’t relate to in any way.
He’s still trying to contact me, probably for “closure” or whatever bullshit reason, but I’ve blocked and restrained myself in every possible way. It hurts but not because I want him. It hurts because I’m looking at myself and realising how much I tolerated, how much of myself I abandoned to survive that relationship.
I was a cheerful, lively person once. I know that. But right now I don’t feel like her at all. The only thing I trust at this point is my gut. That instinct. That quiet inner voice. That’s it. That’s the only thing I’m trusting as I move forward, because everything else feels unreliable.
If anyone here has ever dealt with a narcissist and actually made it out with their sanity intact, please drop in some elixir or anything that helped you see clearly again, anything that helped you come back to yourself.