My husband and I have been together for 13 years and overall I thought our marriage has been good. He has always wanted kids and I expected that it would one day happen. Shortly after my 30th birthday he began to push it more. I started to question whether or not it’s something I actually wanted. After some difficult conversations I asked him to give me some time to think about it and come to a decision. I read the baby decision book, did a lot of introspection and journaling, and had many conversations with friends about it. I came to the conclusion that I do not want kids right now and cannot guarantee that I will want them in the future. I told him this and suggested we separate for a while because this is a fundamental incompatibility. He ultimately agreed but when I said I was going to go stay with a friend, he asked me to stay and I did. Since then he has kind of just been acting like everything is normal, although I can tell he is sad.
Last night was New Year’s Eve and while getting ready I heard him crying and went to go comfort him. We talked for awhile and he told me he doesn’t want to have kids with anyone else, that our relationship is more important than that, he doesn’t want to start over with someone else, but every time he sees a child it’s hurtful because he wants to be a father so badly. I encouraged him to talk to his friends/family about this and he said no one would understand and he feels like I am the only person that can be there for him. I just feel that if we stayed together without having children he would resent me for the rest of his life. I think he knows this, but seems unwilling to let me go.
The other thing is this conflict has brought up some other cracks in our relationship that I hadn’t noticed or had brushed off before. He can be very passive aggressive and is constantly making snide comments and jokes at my expense. At Christmas one of my friends told me that my husband called me stupid in front of everyone and that really bothered my friend. I did not even remember that happened. My best friend has told me in the past she doesn’t like how he talks to me sometimes too. Friends that are not as close though generally say he is super sweet and loving and a good husband. The real wake up call was last night my best friend brought a guy she is newly dating and even he said “wow he’s not very nice to you.” I don’t know if my friends are being overly sensitive to it cause they care about me or if this is genuine cause for concern. He does have a lot of great qualities. He is always there for other people when they need him and we share a lot of the same world views. That being said I am realizing that I don’t think I want to be in this marriage regardless of the kids issue.
The issue is that while I could afford rent of my own (I already give my husband $1200 a month to contribute to our mortgage), I do not have the savings for a deposit on a new apartment. I’m going into the slow season at work and I’m worried I won’t be able to save up enough anytime soon. Do I just keep living with him pretending everything is fine? Do I try and go stay with friends or family? Should I suggest one of us move into the office or sleep on the couch? Should I ask him to stay somewhere else? I’m just feeling really stuck and I’m not sure what to do, any advice is greatly appreciated.