Recently, I (31 M) have been trying to straighten up my wife (28F) and my finances in order. We have a daughter that just turned 1 and want to conceive again in the next few months, so I wanted to make sure that we were doing everything responsibly, including saving for emergencies and investing for the future. Until now, we have been very fortunate to earn enough to cover our monthly expenses, have a decent emergency fund, and invest. Recently, my goal has just been to put all of this into a formal plan to make sure that we are tracking expenses, saving a bit more for emergencies, etc.
The problem is my wife and I had very different upbringings with regards to money and have very different views. I grew up in a middle class family in modest house where my family had a budget and I was actually told No at times. My parents also made it clear that it was worth it to avoid overspending unnecessarily on things. For example, if a different product has no noticeably different features but is much more expensive because the marketing is better or whatever, then one should make the responsible choice and not overpay for the item that one has no reason to believe is better.
My wife, on the other hand, was raised by a wealthy father who paid for all of her schooling and paid for 2 different expensive cars for her while in college. Based on her upbringing, she has learned lessons such as, “If I don’t already know what to buy, buy the more expensive because that means higher quality”. Overall, I would say she is operating under the assumption that money will never be an issue, regardless of spending habits.
She also believes in manifestation, so she believes gems such as, “The richer you spend, the more income you will attract”, or the corollary, “The more careful you are with your money, the more you will scare away good fortune”. I don’t even know how to broach that bullshit with her. To me, it almost seems like cope that she can somehow attain the same life as her father, instead of being stuck in this comfortable middle class life we have
I recently tried to have a discussion with her about a spending plan that lays out our monthly fixed costs such as mortgage and daycare, as well as our savings goals, investment contributions, and what is left over for guilt free spending. She was upset at how little was left over for personal guilt free spending. After some discussion, I told her that, if she was uncomfortable with my plan, then we would have to redo the process together and come up with a plan together. She seemed to be annoyed even at that, and she still seemed offended by the personal spending amount. So, I asked her, “Do you agree that it is unacceptable to not have a financial plan, especially now that we have a baby?”…. And she said “No, I disagree that a plan is necessary”. She also repeated her manifestation belief that this type of planning limits your good fortune.
We ended the conversation there because I had no idea how to respond to those 2 claims. I feel like I’m married to a spoiled child that never grew up. It’s affecting my ability to respect her as an equal. I eventually got her to agree to run the numbers with me and do the planning process, but at this point I’m highly skeptical that it will have a positive outcome. How am I supposed to bridge this huge gap between us?