I’m a Female 22 and I’m feeling really confused about my relationship with sex and how it’s affecting my relationship.
For most of my life, penetrative sex has been extremely painful for me, like genuinely unbearable pain. Because of that, sex was always something I pushed through. With my current boyfriend, penetration didn’t hurt at first, which felt like such a huge relief, and we were having sex more often in the beginning mostly because I was just happy it wasn’t painful.
But now I don’t really want it anymore.
It either feels like nothing, uncomfortable, or mentally draining, and I honestly feel like I could go the rest of my life without sex and be okay. This has started causing tension because my boyfriend isn’t satisfied with how little I want sex, and I feel guilty about that but also overwhelmed and shut down at the same time.
What’s confusing me is that this doesn’t seem to be about attraction. I’ve been with someone in the past who was basically my dream man, someone I was deeply emotionally and physically attracted to, and sex still hurt and didn’t work out then either. Because of that, it doesn’t feel like this is about choosing the wrong partner or not being attracted enough.
Now I’m trying to figure out what this actually is.
Is this trauma from years of painful sex and anxiety around penetration, or am I genuinely low desire or sex indifferent, or maybe a mix of both?
I do care about my boyfriend and I’m attracted to him emotionally and mentally, but I feel a lot of pressure knowing he wants more sex than I can give. At the same time, I’m scared that if I leave, any future boyfriend will also eventually be unhappy with how little I want sex, so it feels like I might just be delaying the inevitable.
I don’t want to force myself to have sex I don’t want, but I also don’t know what’s realistic to expect in relationships or if this is something that can actually change.
Has anyone dealt with something similar?
How did you figure out whether it was trauma or just your natural level of desire?
And realistically, should I stay and try to work through this, or is this a compatibility issue that won’t go away?
I’d really appreciate honest advice, especially from people who have experienced painful sex, low desire, or mismatched libidos.