This will be long, English is not my first, I am using this account because my husband follows my main.
I (31F) have been married to my husband (33M) for 10 years. We have a 3 year old daughter. I am happy in my marriage and I love my husband, but I do not seem to enjoy sex mentally.
Please read my post carefully without making assumptions or projections, as I will tell the entire truth. I am my own person. I’m open to all advice.
My views are about sex in general, not him. This will sound confusing, because most have no experienced this, so please have an open mind! Humans are complex. So I didn’t understand these hangups before marriage because I was young. I have never lied to my husband, I told him my struggles back then. I thought what I felt was wrong and something to get through. I am not asexual, again I am not asexual, I experience sexual attraction for both men and women growing up, I can get off to porn, I can get horny from my husband, we do have active sex, twice a week, and I do find my husband attractive.
Im genuinely open to advice. So please respond with the intention of helping.
Okay here is everything:
I do not view sex the way most people seem to. I do not see sex as pleasure or connection, that IS what sex is about I agree but for ME that is not how I FEEL towards it even though I KNOW what sex is.
I feel it as obligation and maintaince. In theory, I liked sex, and society (people I am around growing up) has pushed the narrative that sex is very important in relationships and should happen often, it has to be amazing, or youre a bad partner, your partner will leave, your husband will cheat, do not be a bad wife!
I seen online everyday people complain about feeling undesired, so my feelings on I must do this once a week or more got higher. That means for me. even if I do not want sex in the moment I have to have it to stop someone from cheating, to be a good partner, this isn’t about sex really, but the expectational pressure.
I am the wrong one who must work through this.
I never fully understood my deeper feelings about sex, so I just had it. I never actually enjoyed it. Well it feels good, my husband again is attractive, I can get off sometimes but back then I couldn’t and still had sex. Of course, I told my husband soon enough when it became to much, and we worked on ways to try to pleasure me before we got married. I am attracted to him, and he knew all of my feelings and he has always been loving.
But I still had hangups, in childhood I was raised that a wife gives sex to her man, my mom and grandpa used to assume I was going out having sex when I was really not, so I would try to prove to them how pure I was, but still got in trouble when they assumed I wasnt’. and I also was addicted to porn from 11-18. I beat porn for my religion (Christianity), but the shame was great. So for my hangups for sex I thought these were normal things that in marriage will help heal, I was only 20, so I thought you have sex at least two times a week.
But I hit a wall mentally. I no longer want sex at all. Why? Because the pressure, fear, and anxiety sucks. Laying down when you do not want it. You are not in the mood but your husband is and if you say no you can tell he feels rejected so you just do so. I do that all the time, that I just cry afterwards in secret. It feels like my body isnt mines. What goes through my head during sex is, do this today then youre free for the next couple of days.
I do not want to have sex to keep my partner, and I do not want to have sex because society tells me to. I want sex because both my husband and I want it. Even if that is one a week, once every two weeks or what. I have a high sex drive so it isnt like I want it once every month. Again that may be confusing but your body wanting it doesnt mean you are mentally wanting it.
And our relationship I want it based on things more outside of sex, like physical affection and emotional connection, yes my husband is great, he isn’t the wrong one here.
I also do not desire an open marriage for my husband, as that goes against my morals about marriage and my heart as I still view sex as the most intimate thing between two people. It is not black and white, I do not want my husband to have that connection elsewhere, if so I would leave and let him. Because then instead of making myself have sex, Ill be home by myself in resentment, while he is out there getting it on. I am not saying I want him to be sexless, I am saying I am struggling and my mind just wants to avoid, again I have not though, I still have sex with him.
And no, my hormones are fine, I pleasure myself and enjoy that without issue as I have zero hangups on. Masturbation does not equal sex. Masturbation is a way for me to feel like my body is still mines. That feels way more safer, as I can say no to it without any guilt. I have a high sex drive and I am very much attracted to my husband. I just mentally do not want sex even if my body physically doesn't mind.
Deep down, I have always had hang ups about sex that I tried to work through. I thought it was okay. I made sure to love my husband in many ways outside of it also including him. I love him. But Continuing to have sex has only made it worse.
Now that I am older and better able to understand myself, I realize I don’t want to worry about sex ever again, thats my fears talking.
But I want healthy marriage, so this is not because I do not desire sex, but I am tired of it mentally from constantly making myself. At first I did not want therapy, why do I have to still pressure myself to feel sex how everyone else feels? But I got therapy anyways, the woman just wasnt good, basically I am the issue and should keep having sex with my husband and everything I feel will go away on its own, so I just felt broken and not understood. So I am scared of therapy, I am scared to tell anyone else of this.
Please give me advice, I want to be a good wife, but I am mentally tired of this.