My husband has been an addict for a while. First he had an issue with pain medication and he quit the addiction in May 2023. It was just admitted the last few weeks that he has an issue with porn. He admitted that instead of using pain medication he replaced it with porn. I have a huge problem with this.
Back in June he cheated on me with a woman he admitted in August he received oral sex from her. Well on top of that in June he was on escort sites basically begging for men or woman sexual attention. His reason for this is he was looking to talk to anyone because he was severely depressed. Not excusing anything but he does have a chronic illness and is in chronic pain quite frequently due to it. In November I told him in order for me to feel safe and our relationship to be in repair I would like blocks on his phone and computer which he agreed to. I do not have access to what he does just porn and sexual contents is filtered. Yesterday I caught him playing Femboy Futa on Xbox which is a porn game, he proceeded to hide it and then I logged into the computer and called him out which he then projected that the blocks are controlling and he doesn’t have an issue with porn and it’s a private matter that doesn’t involve me. He then later at night said he is embarrassed and shameful. At this point I am at a loss. I love this man, but I do not love the secrecy and lies.
We had a therapy session today and he was uncomfortable but agreed to go to group sex addiction therapy which the therapist provided her preferred groups for.
My therapist said this is early recovery and we don’t need to figure out everything right now. She is a sex therapist and betrayal trauma therapist. When we had the session he said well when I was using pain medication I didn’t know what to do when I quit so I started using porn as a substitute. This is not ok. I hate that he goes back and forth. He cries that he doesn’t want to lose me or this family, but he will if he can’t get help.
What do I do 😢? We have a 5 year old and I am devastated I want our marriage to work but I need him to work on himself and take accountability.
2 comments
I dunno I have mixed emotions about this. I feel like “once a cheated, always a cheater”. Especially with a kiddo involved, so you want them to grow up witnessing turmoil?
I am so sorry you are going through this.
Please do not take offense to the stuff I am going to text. I know I do not know you all, so the stuff I talk about is based on my experience.
First, just reading your post, the first thing that came to mind was… he is still on something (drug wise), and from the information on what he is doing, it sounds awful like an upper/stimulant.
I say this because while on stimulants, guys get weird. They get a weird “confidence “, then they get hypersexual (porn, cheating with escorts), and that is where the “experimenting” with things they wouldn’t normally do come in (guys).
They can be “okay” one minute (not total ass k then they become heartless, cruel, and overall mean.
Especially when the addict is around sober, stable people (this is because deep down he is embarrassed, but also selfish.
So because you are trying to keep your family together (I did too), it is most likely going to take work.
Since he has already betrayed your trust, you will really need to understand that being able to trust fully again might take time and a lot of stress on your part and work on his side.
He will need to almost spend the rest of his life proving and showing he can be trusted again. I am talking, adding Life360 to the phone, constant check-ins, you having access to anything you need to help settle your nervous system.
Of course, they will mess up along the way, and they will have to start all over again proving tgat they are working b on themselves and gain some of your trust back (not to mention now he might cause even more trust issues because he continues to lie).
It sucks., but he might need to prove he is getting sober (could come back showing nothing). You will be in your feelings, but you will get the “amazing luxury ” to stuff that sadness down and keep the house and family running and happy.
Then, if course, he will need to really start counseling with no attitude with you again.
Also, with the hypersexualality to kind of make sure you know he is not ‘running around”and getting into situations he shouldn’t (sexual), you might have to “perform wife duties” (not going to lie this part is not for the weak because you have deep feelings for him you will start doing things that keep him happy and home.
Then, hopefully, he will finally stop (hopefully). I am not going to lie it was worth it, and i am so glad I got my husband’s back because I live the crap out of him.
Like I said, though, the crap is not for the weak. So you will really need to think and decide if you’re willing to go to heck and back for this man and possibly lose a little of yourself (crud, you could end up resenting him).
It is a tough call, but you are the only one who fully knows him and your bond.
I know I was not the bearer of good news, but I want Ed you to know a quick insight of what might need to be done (coming from someone who went through heck due to doing everything I could to keep my family together. Not to mention the love of my life).
I will through in a good note and let you know that i did make it out on the other side and my person is doing well and laying in bed with me as I write this. So it was worth it.
Good luck (hoping you get everything you deserve).