Hi all,
I've been struggling with something and I just can't seem to get past it despite covering it extensively in therapy, among other (related) topics, of course. I'm hoping for some input from you all so I can continue to work through my current, er… "dilemma," if you will.
Quick backstory: I grew up primarily with social media, though there was a time during my formative years where it didn't exist quite yet. In therapy, I discovered that I crafted a caricature of masculinity through these varying social outlets that I sometimes project onto others – specifically tops – despite not bottoming unless I have feelings. Because of this, I have a hard time getting hard enough to top my boyfriend (not that he really enjoys it, so he's not really missing out since he's not a bottom save for maybe once or twice a year). I've made great progress in working to deconstruct this caricature that he fits into so perfectly: tall, masculine, deep voice, naturally dominant, sweet and loving, etc.
Here's the dilemma: I (26M) am in my first-ever relationship with an absolutely incredible man (30M) who I can see myself marrying. Communication is excellent and we work very well as a unit. He is an open relationship person who is also fine with monogamy (and has been monogamous in his past relationships), but ideally, both of us would prefer that we be open as well. Right now, to help me get over my mental block, he proposed that I top others so long as 1) he is taken care of first (and believe me, I take GOOD care of him), and 2) I show him whoever I am going to hook up with before I go and do it. He is not topping anyone but me, so it's open just for me at the moment. However, with respect to opening up fully, there's a physical inequality I just can't seem to get past: he is mostly a top with a rare exception for me, so he would only be topping if it was open, which means I will be bottoming for the same body part that others will also be bottoming for once it's fully open for both of us. Meanwhile, my bottom side is reserved exclusively for him, while my top side will be for other randoms with whom I prefer not to maintain contact (rare exceptions being related to job referrals etc., as my industry is suffering in terms of hiring at the moment).
We've had one threesome, which was actually pretty fun, and I didn't get too far into my head after, so I'm fine doing things together if it comes down to it. I just feel bad even though he says not to repeatedly (and means it), because my sex drive is much higher than his.
I don't understand why I can't get past this, because honestly, it doesn't matter; sex is sex. I know this. My brain knows this. My heart, however, can't take it, and it's really annoying. Has anyone else experienced this or something similar in their relationship? If so, how did you overcome it?
TL;DR: Considering opening relationship with my boyfriend. He's a top who would be topping others; I rarely bottom except with him. Bothered by the asymmetry – his dick gets shared with others AND me, my butt is exclusive to him. How do I get over this emotional block?