Content warning: I talk about suicide and self harm here. If you’re struggling, get professional help.
So, yeah, I need support from my mom. Not only financially, but with what I’m going through right now. I was diagnosed with ADHD last year. I sought out a diagnosis after struggling with executive dysfunction for years.
It’s affected my personal life in many ways, and recently it’s also started affecting me professionally as well, as I can’t keep my files or workspace organized at work. That being said, I’m figuring out how to accommodate it. This isn’t new for me, as I’m autistic and I’ve received accommodations for it since I was a kid. And I’m working on how to manage my ADHD. I have already asked my boss for accommodations, I’m trying to figure out what medications to use. But it’s a lot and I need time and support to figure it out.
When it comes to meds, for example, I don’t feel comfortable using anti-depressants. I tried Adderall and had a couple of episodes of heart palpitations as a side effect, one of which sent me to the ER. That’s not all I’m dealing with. I also have a sexual condition that causes erectile problems, among other issues, and I’m finally seeking treatment for it. I’ve even scheduled a surgery to get circumcised. And it’s necessary because I have phimosis. I can’t pull back my foreskin all the way when flaccid or at all when erect. I’ve scheduled the surgery for February but am planning to postpone, especially since I’m going to need someone to be discharged to and then maybe help me out for that first week after surgery.
But right now, as much as I need her support, I don’t feel I can trust her to support me. She’s taking care of my grandparents, who have always been terrible at managing their money, and my grandma in particular has always been somewhat of a perfectionist who guilt trips her kids into spending time with her, even at the expense of their personal and professional well-being.
When I was in middle and high school, my mom and I would have to spend an extra week with my grandparents for the holidays even though it made me fall behind at school. I understand my family comes from a more collectivist culture than the United States. That’s okay, but my grandma took it to the point where she would consider us selfish if we spent that time taking care of our professional needs instead of being with her. In my last year of college, over Spring Break 2020, she wanted us to celebrate my grandparents wedding anniversary with her. I was angsty about it at the time, but looking back, that’s not so bad.
But during March 2020, at the start of the pandemic, she made us fly across the country to be with her anyway just so she could see us, and then canceled it only after we arrived.
Then a few years ago they moved to my hometown to be closer to my mom, just as I moved to a nearby big city for grad school. I’ve now finished my master’s and have my first full-time 9 to 5 job in said city. Yet in 2023, I had to deal with probably the most hurtful thing my mom and grandparents put me through.
For context, at that time, I was dealing with my usual issues with my executive dysfunction. I had lingering mental health issues from my time in quarantine. I was living in the dorm for my first year of grad school and had a passive aggressive roommate. He wouldn’t communicate with me properly about the issues he had with me and then blew up at me when I didn’t figure them out. He slammed doors in our dorm suite. And he was petty, doing things like accusing me of eating his food or acting like I told on him like we’re in grade school when I got the RA involved.
On top of that, the city where I live is three hours away from my hometown. Moving out of this particular dorm was more like moving out of an apartment, and because I was now taking grad school seminars, I had a heavier workload than I did in undergrad, in addition to dealing with executive dysfunction caused by undiagnosed ADHD. And I wasn’t able to work while in grad school due to my disabilities.
Now, I was able to get another room in my dorm for that summer as I took summer classes, and I was able to get an amazing apartment near downtown that I ended up moving to that summer, and I’ve been here since.
But with everything I had going on, for my mental health and to reduce stress, I needed to stay in the city where I now live continuously.
This required interim housing in my dorm. When I moved to my current city from my hometown, my mom let me have some so I could move in a week early again, to minimize stress. She said I could do the same at the end of the school year.
Then I don’t know the exact details, but my grandparents had financial shenanigans, and my mom had to bail them out to the tune of $13,000. As a result, she suddenly decided not to let me have any interim housing that summer. I had to move all the way to my hometown at the end of the school year, during finals, and then move back to my current city one week later.
On top of that, although my landlord offered to let me move from my dorm to my apartment in July, when my lease started, my mom made me do it in August, again during finals for my summer classes, when my dorm contract ended, to save money and financially accommodate my grandparents.
The whole time, I tried to explain to her that this is what I needed for my wellbeing. I’m an adult now, and I understand that she was going through a lot herself, so I was willing to compromise with her. But she took it as if I was still a teen or a kid and simply not doing what I had to, and would constantly shut me down and put words in my mouth by talking over me. So I also ended up moving into my apartment during finals for my summer classes.
I was able to accommodate my grandparents like she wanted, but at a great cost. I had to get two incompletes in my classes in the Spring 2023 semester because I was too stressed and overwhelmed to finish everything by the end of that semester, as in stressed to the point of having thoughts of unaliving myself. Toward the end of the 2023 Summer Session, I was stressed by my academic workload and moving during the middle of finals for accelerated summer classes to the point where I ended up engaging in self harm and did attempt to unalive myself. I even drafted a note. Luckily, I failed because a piece of furniture I was using for my attempt ended up breaking and I was too scared of death to go through with it.
This isn’t the first time my mom has changed her mind like this about something because of my grandparents, especially if it involves making sure my grandma doesn’t get mad at her. I feel like a lot of the time my grandma gets away with toxic bullshit because my mom enables her.
And the story doesn’t end there. Near the end of 2024, my grandpa got cancer. Thankfully, he’s doing great. He has had minimal side effects and is active as he ever has been in some ways. He is now in remission. But in some ways, he will never be the same. He now has executive function issues of his own due not only to the cancer, but also due to age related cognitive decline.
And my perfectionist grandma, who is in denial and wants things to be like they were when my grandparents were in their 40s or 50s 30 years ago, has been getting on his case for not being able to support her like he used to, despite the fact that my mom has explained to her that he can’t because he’s sick and needs to take it easy. My mom has even told me that my grandma can’t appreciate how lucky our family is, as my grandpa might no longer be with us if things had gone differently.
And aside from neglecting my needs, my mom is also neglecting her own needs. She always calls me when she’s conflicted about doing xyz for herself rather than my grandparents because she needs it for her mental health but is scared she’s being selfish. I always encourage her to do it, but she shouldn’t constantly need my permission.
Look, at this point, I’m at my wits end. What am I supposed to do?