My father was one of five siblings. During political unrest when they were kids, my grandmother had the children fostered abroad for most of their childhood. My grandparents had money, so my father and his siblings grew up around prestigious schools and a standard of living that I did not have.
Some of my father’s siblings stayed abroad permanently. My father and his younger brother returned after the civil war. My father had me in his early 60s. My mother was around 20 when she had me, and my father never married her.
My mother was periodically absent when I was young. My father and family friends did most of the raising, but my father was also absent for long stretches. From what I understand, he was successful and later held a public role before retiring. The confusing part is that he had resources but still did not provide stable support. I grew up in a very poor country with limited infrastructure, healthcare, and education. I was in abusive school environments where physical punishment was normal. I struggled badly and could not read properly in my early years. I also had an intellectual disability that was never acknowledged or supported.
When I was around 11, my father died. After that, everything became a war. My mother could not afford to raise me alone, so she entered a court battle over my father’s inheritance. My father’s family believed she was after the money for herself. The conflict became ugly and personal.
Living with my mother was incredibly hard. We lived in cockroach infested apartments, slept on floors, and sometimes went months without electricity. She always made sure I was fed and went to school, but under all that pressure I became her emotional and physical punching bag. Eventually, the agreement was that my school fees would be paid using my father’s inheritance so I could continue my education and eventually study abroad. Even that was unstable. After my father died, the safe where he kept his will was broken into and the will disappeared. One of my uncles gained control and started selling off properties. Over time, what remained became a small fraction of what it should have been. Eventually, shares my father held in a company were sold and the proceeds were transferred to a bank in a developed country. That money now funds my education.
My father’s younger sister, who I will call J, got involved with my education later when my grades were poor. At the time, I felt grateful. With an abusive mother and an absent father, J checking on me felt like having a parent for the first time. She also bridged the gap between my mother and my father’s family. My father’s other sister, who I will call Q, manages the funds. Q controls the money and sends it to J, and then J decides what gets used for my education and living costs. One of the other siblings has passed away, so it is basically Q and J in control.
J already had a negative view of my mother due to rumors spread during the inheritance fight. By the time J stepped in, she had decided my mother was the problem, and she began treating my grades as proof that I was also the problem.
I spent my late teenage years at a so called international boarding school in a neighboring country, but the teaching quality and infrastructure were poor. When J started questioning the school, the school blamed me and I was actively villainized. When I tried to raise my disability, staff laughed at me. Over time, J believed the school anyway. That was a turning point. Once she accepted the narrative that I was the problem, her behavior changed.
In person, I felt like a suspect in her house. She was strict and controlling in ways that felt humiliating. She restricted where I could sit, checked rooms I had been in, and berated me over tiny things. If I talked about anything, she demanded citations or references like I was on trial. At one point she brought up that I was not a “legitimate” child. Other people noticed. Her oldest son even asked me privately how things were with her and whether I was worried she would use my father’s money as leverage over me. That question stuck with me because it made me realize what I was experiencing was visible to others.
About a year ago, I spent Christmas with J’s family. We talked about careers. I have always been very goal oriented and I used to keep her updated because she positioned herself as the person guiding me. During that conversation she strongly implied I was not good enough. I asked her what the role actually involved and whether she even knew what people in that career do. She did not. She accused me of only being after money and implied that the people she had seen succeed were brilliant, meaning I was not. She also made sexist comments about “Men, thinking they can do anything.” After that, my mental health worsened. I struggled with applications and felt like my worth depended on outcomes. During that period I also started feeling intense anger toward my father. From everything I gathered about his history and family, he was given a better life, better schools, better opportunities, and yet he chose not to give his own child a stable future like his siblings had. It wasn't like he didn't have the means to do. The painful part is that I only learned how to read properly once I started living with my mother and she tutored me. So I felt upset at myself for not performing compared to my peers, and upset at my father for not doing the bare minimum of wanting to give your child the best future.
I reached out to J about how I was feeling. She refused to hear it and accused me of trying to ruin her brother’s image and looking for someone to blame. Then J texted me saying she was going to stop funding me and “send me back” unless I got a job or did a master’s. It felt like my world dropped. It was not just harsh. It was aimed at the one thing she knows I rely on for survival, education, and stability. And this opened old wounds about the court battle with my mom.
Because Q controls the funds, I called Q immediately. Q told me they were not actually going to do it and that J was “just trying to motivate me” by applying pressure. That explanation made me angrier, because threatening someone’s education and stability does not feel like motivation. It confirmed what I had been feeling for years: J knows she has power over me through money, and she is willing to use it.
I texted J back and said I was disappointed that it was pitiful she did what her son said she'd do. She reacted badly, interrogated her children, accused me of trying to ruin her family, and told me she would “kick me out” of the family. Later around my graduation she claimed it was all “fake” and she was never going to do anything she threatened.
By that point, I had been pressured for months and I am now doing a master’s. It does not feel like I made that decision freely. It felt like I did what looked acceptable so I would not be treated as a failure and threatened again.
Since then I have limited contact. On my birthday she called and accused me of being arrogant and told me to get off my “high horse,” acting like I was the problem for my reaction.
Something in me snapped, but calmly. I have decided to cut contact indefinitely. I only message when I need money for basic living costs because I am still financially dependent and the funds are controlled through Q and J. Under the current setup I would not have access until my 30s, but I am hoping to get a job and eventually challenge the arrangement legally.
I feel like she crossed a line she was never meant to cross. She seems completely convinced though.
I guess my question is; What boundaries are reasonable when someone controls your fundings and behaves this way?
TLDR: My education is funded through money left by my late father, but it is controlled by my aunts. One aunt threatened to cut me off and “send me back” unless I got a job or started a master’s, then later said the threat was “fake” and meant to motivate me. I have gone low contact, but I am still financially dependent and unsure how to set boundaries without risking my stability.