Hi! looking for advice.
My partner (41F) is always using her phone while I'm around her. I (54M) don't mind that she uses her phone often, but what bugs me is that she covers it while she is using it so that I cannot see. I'm struggling with trust here. We have been together for 4 months now.
I'm very open and have no issues with her seeing what I'm doing, or looking through my phone. She has told me if I don't trust her, I can look through it, but one time I asked to borrow her phone to read a conversation we were talking about, and her answer was no – that her phone is private and she doesn't let anyone use it. There have been a few issues in the past where I have reason to lack trust. I caught her renaming her ex-boyfriends contact to a girls name so I wouldn't know if he called. I know she hates him – her kids hate him, so I'm not worried about her reconnecting, but I question why she would do this. (she said she didn't want me getting worried when he calls). She has him blocked now, but he calls from private numbers because he wants her back. Another reason I lack trust is I caught her creating an online dating profile. She said she was bored. She didn't have any likes she sent or received, but to me that is cheating. I've told her creating online profiles is cheating, and she accepts that now. We have both deleted all our online dating accounts (we met through an online dating site). She told me when we first met, that she loves to chat with men, but she says now that she has no need for that – that I'm all she wants and needs.
She talks with me like I'm her future, as do I. We are almost always together, and she is moving in to live with me for a short time while she is moving. Her kids like me as well, and that makes her very happy. I feel a genuine connection with her, and she has included me in her life events and with her children.
I am struggling to discuss this because she gets very defensive.. She will be like "Here, if you don't trust me, look through my phone)". I don't want to do that. I want to just trust her. I was married, but my wife had an affair after 29 years of being together, so I'm sure some of the trust issues stems from that. I don't want to throw away this relationship if it is just how I feel, and I'm overreacting. What advice can you give on how to approach this topic with civility and not trigger her defense mechanisms?