TL:DR I think life events are pushing us apart and I don't feel like he's growing with me I'm burnt out and realising I don't feel like myself.
We've been dating for 2.5 years but met 4 years ago and we've had our ups and downs but we're going through a rough patch and I don't know if this is just the natural end of the relationship.
Some major events that have happened for me the in the past years are having my illusion of my brother shattered by a previous relationship. That relationship being extremely unhealthy. Moving out of my mother's house to live with family. Having to move back in and spending an extra year in the home, falling extremely chronically ill because of said home environment. Moving away to university and then cutting off my mum and subsequently my brother. Realising I have OCD. Reconnecting with my dad and having my first conversation with him alone in my life. My unhealthy ex reaching out to apologise to me which really helped. Realising I may have CPTSD.
For him, leaving catholicism, realising he isn't straight, his parents almost divorcing, realising he didn't want the career he tailored his entire life for, I shattered his illusion of his parents, his childhood dog passed away and I made him realise he had anxiety and needed help.
He's been there for me since I had to do an extra year at home and I was there for him when his parents said they might separate. I didn't realise how involved I'd been in his growth and how he hadn't with mine as much. My life just always seemed to be in a worse stage in comparison to his but because my life was more complex he didn't know what to do or say.
Whenever he asked me for help or advice I always had so much because he was going through something I went through years ago. For example his parents thought about separating and he asked me for advice since my parents are divorced I had a lot of helpful things to say and I understood him. Even if I hadn't faced what he faced I had the ability to assess a situation and offer emotional and practical advice based on my understanding of him.
I just don't get that in return because I've been through so much that he can't relate to. Falling severely chronically ill and having your old life ripped away from you is a different kind of grief and it's extremely isolating. He was there for me emotionally but I can't expect him to fully understand what it's like. He's more introverted and a homebody and I'm almost the complete opposite and in my condition I just can't be myself most days and I hate it.
He can't give me any advice on family because we come from different cultures so I confide in others. I can give advice because I've had to balance my own culture as well as British culture. Since he doesn't have an emotional support system beyond me his identity and life hasn't really been challenged all that much until he met me. He's said I helped him realise he wanted a different career, that he wanted to move out of his parents home and that he needs therapy. Most he can do when my life goes to shit is support me financially and agree with whatever I think I should do. I wish he could offer me advice but he typically says I don't know what to do or say.
Even when it's his time to step up and help me beyond emotional support he won't or can't. His parents decided they didn't like I don't talk to my mum and randomly uninvited me to Christmas saying I wasn't welcome back until I sorted it out with her. This completely dismissed my entire struggle with her and it hurt when they accused me of making him choose and that I was immature and selfish.
All he could say was that he was sorry it happened and just expected me to go back to university and spend Christmas alone without addressing any of what just happened. I had to spell out to him that he needed to do something about this and he didn't see the benefit in sitting down with his parents until I said I don't see us working out if your gonna act like that. This isn't the first time they've blown up at him about me but this was the worst one. I've been begging him for months to do something and he just wouldn't. He's only now gotten help because he finally sees I can't live like this.
There was another incident where he was overly physically affectionate with me Infront of my friends brother (culturally we are not physically affectionate it's a faux pas). I didn't realise I had to spell out that he needs to keep his hands to himself if he's known me for years, met some of my family and has been to my friends house where I purposefully sat on a different chair out of respect for the parents.
They happened one day after another and it opened my eyes to how much effort and time and planning I put into everything I do. I visit my hometown often because of NHS bureaucracy so I stay with either him or a friend. Between the 3 of us there's 3 cultures, 3 languages, 3 religions and 3 sets of rules. I've learnt to adapt I'm learning his language and I try to learn my friends language better. I recognise I'm burnt out and I need help. I notice I barely turn to him for help anymore I can't because there's nothing helpful he adds to a situation and it's taxing to use the little energy I have left to tell him what's going on only to be unseen or misunderstood.
My ex reached out to me to apologise and we certainly are trauma bonded but talking to him reminded me what it's like to be understood and when I updated him on my life and he was happy for me it came from a place of I'm happy the life you dreamed of as a kid is coming true.
I remisisced a little about the good parts with my ex and the relationship I'm in now I feel like I'm not me. I'm naturally quick witted and sharp tongued hyper independent. I've been that way since I was a kid but with my partner I've changed I'm softer nicer and I hold back that part of myself because he expressed he was hurt by it. It didn't make sense because we were good friends for a long time and he treats everyone else the same (insults and cheeky remarks) but won't allow me or himself to have that with eachother. I knew something was wrong when I missed moments with my ex.
I'm used to being on my own and figuring myself out. I've gone to therapy several times and gotten help from my university it feels like I'm putting in all this independent work to sort out my finances and build my support systems and challenge my unhealthy communication. I didn't wait for someone to tell me I needed to change I reflected on situations and changed, I feel like Im constantly nudging him to change and he doesn't until he thinks it's hurting the relationship.
Can this be fixed? Can you grow back together again?