What’s an unspoken social rule you learned way too late?
January 4, 2026
As the title suggests what is a social rule you learned/realized later than you wished you did?
30 comments
You’re supposed to say hello to everyone when you enter the room 💀
I had no idea it was rude to enter a room without greeting everyone until it happened to me & people called me rude for it.
I’m just awkward.
What’s up is not a real question.
Saying good morning when you enter your work office. I would just do a head nod and a closed smile to acknowledge my coworkers and the older women I worked with found it incredibly offensive that I did not explicitly speak and/or say good morning.
I honestly still kinda don’t get it because it feels so excessive to do this everyday 😭 but I do work from home now so I don’t have to deal with it anymore.
Kissing cheeks to say hello to people; not sure how many people here know about it but in Hispanic culture it’s common to greet familiar or introduced people with a cheek-to-cheek “kiss”. (Press cheeks and make kissing sound, super brief)
I was a shy kid growing up and slowly started exploring socializing in my teens, hung out with my very extroverted cousin and her equally outgoing friends and was quickly humbled into greeting people “correctly” , apparently they thought I was up tight and judgy because I would only give a shy “hi”
When someone says “Hi, I’m Joe” and shakes your hand, you need to reply with YOUR NAME as well. As in “Hi Joe, I’m Bob,” not just “Hi.” Oops.
The way you look and tend to your appearance is part of your social skills. Most social people tend to their appearance because they know being more attractive helps with first impressions and how you look communicates things about yourself.
More of a rule that I thought existed and actually didn’t: I thought only some people could organize events and invite people, so I just waited to be invited to things.
It turns out anyone can host and anyone can make up an event and invite people to it. Changed my life.
People can be silent, and silence can mean anything, not specifically negative. Just because they are silent it doesnt mean they dont agree with you. In my experience, most of the time people are not reactive. People wont be verbal about what pleases them.
You do something, get no reaction, change it/stop doing it and they say “Hey, I liked it why did you change it”
You flirt with a girl, she is not reactive, you stop flirting and their friends come and ask you “why are you so cold to her, what happened, she likes you” etc.
Pointing at someone or asking “what?” Is rude.
When you meet someone and asked their name, it’s okay to ask them again even if you forgot 💀
In most of Europe, a hello is de rigeur when entering any elevator, if there is at least one person ofc.
Often a goodbye when vacating it as well.
Not everyone was raised to all talk over each other and at the same time! I guess that’s not always unspoken but I’ve def had to learn to reel back my excited chatter when I’m agreeing by talking or adding on! Not everyone can be an Italian Jew I guess 🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️
Don’t be in your head coming up with things to reply to someone before they’ve even finished speaking. Listen to every sentence deeply, let it skin in, and trust that your brain will naturally come up with a response if you’ve listened well enough. That’s the biggest issue with socially anxious people- they don’t trust their brain. You need to trust your brain.
You shouldn’t always try to relate to something someone’s talking about. Especially if they’re upset about something.
Next thing you know you’ve completely moved the focus of the conversation off of the other person, on to being about you.
Really, they brought up the thing with you bc they needed to talk it. Relating to their story instead of empathizing or l can make them feel like you’re not really hearing them. Like ya’ll are having a show-and-tell of different things ya’ll have experienced, instead of you being there for them.
Interrupting others in conversation is considered rude.. even though if I dont say the thing I want to say that Ill forget that thing if I dont say it right away.. people get annoyed
That I’m basically living my life at a costume party.But i’m the only person not wearing a mask and people at costume parties don’t like people who aren’t wearing masks. 😅
Well, growing up my family would often snap fingers to get someone’s attention all the time.
I didn’t think much of it, until I was in for a rude awakening when I tried to get a waitress’s attention at a bar. She absolutely lost it at me.
That’s how I learned way too late it’s a demeaning gesture😬
I was a super observant child and didn’t talk too much &
I loved drawing people.
So I would always look at people bc my brain liked to take note on clothes/ style/ body types/ face structure.
I guess I would look at people up and down and not realize I would do this.
So it seemed like I was checking people out alll the time, coworkers, family, friends
Maybe my family never Noticed or got used to it knowing it was innocent bc no one of them ever told me otherwise.
I finally realized when I did this to some rando at the store one day and he was looking at me all weird when It finally clicked what I was doing like as a 24 yrs old girl!! I try not to think about all the mixed vibes I gave people over the years but it definitely makes sense, I cringe man.
So yeah careful where ur eyes wander even when you’re not trying to check someone else out.
when something is bothering you, you can say it and it will be okay. I know it sounds dumb but I used to think that being direct and saying explicitly that something is bothering you was impolite. now I realize that you can say something u dont like and people will say oh fine and not get offended by what you just said.
Act like you’ve been there before.
That you need to make up excuses (white lies) for saying no to invitations to try and spare the others feelings. Usually, just saying that you can’t make is enough.
People who consider you family or close friends expect you to show care by texting or calling them if you know there’s a big life event coming up. People will forgive you for contacting them when they want space but they will assume you don’t care about them if you fail to ask how they are doing even and especially when you both know the answer is probably “terrible.”
Some people view the world very hierarchically, and highly value status, image and their imagined place in the hierarchy. This is everything to them. It is extremely important for them – and you, meeting them – to demonstrate how intelligent, educated, suave, upper class, refined, elegant, confident, assertive, “the right type of person” you are. If you fail at this task, you are a loser. They will be polite to show their good breeding, and enjoy feeling superior to you.
Other people view the world as fundamentally egalitarian, and it is very important to demonstrate that you are not the first kind of person during small talk, so people know you’re a decent and trustworthy person, and they can relax around you and deepen the conversation beyond surface level polite small talk. You do this using humour, warmth, self deprecation, sometimes good-natured ribbing (depending on your subculture), deliberately doing things that would be considered “lower class” and dispensing with surface level politeness as quickly as possible.
Social norms and what is considered “decent” and “considerate” vary massively between these groups.
When people ask you how you’re doing, they don’t want to hear the truth. They’re generally interested a quick, upbeat reply. And if you must convey that everything has gone to shit, you’re meant to do so with humour and in one sentence. I must be a little bit on the AUDHD side of things because for the longest time I answered as though people gave a shit lol. It’s so strange because my husband and daughter tell me that I seem very socially relaxed and am among the best conversationalists they know, but that lesson from social skills 101 took me a while. I, on the other hand, actually want people to tell me how they are. If I don’t want to know, I try not to ask.
You need to take part in social activities in your own way and not follow another person’s way, otherwise you may end up comparing why you don’t get the same outcome as someone else does.
I am quiet and reserved mostly, but I have often compared myself to extrovert friends and how they socialise. I tried to copy them. It didn’t work out well because it wasn’t me. But I blamed myself when they didn’t work out and felt something was wrong with me fundamentally.
I can still socialise, I just gotta figure out how to do it my way.
Asking people what do they do for work super early in conversations (maybe a lot of people don’t consider this awkward?). Open to listening what people think about this issue
1. **Not every conversation has to be “deep.”** Small talk is actually quite therapeutic.
2. I learned from my best friend how to really **pay attention to what people say, sit on it, *then* give an honest response.** I was chatting with a casual friend a few days ago about guns and he’s very right wing. He doesn’t know yet that I’m an independent but I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m a Republican. So he was talking about how he thinks fully automatic guns should be legal and I just went “Yeah, I don’t see the point, to be honest.” Caught him off guard but it was cool that I wasn’t just agreeing the whole time. That “yes” attitude is more who I was at 18 years old. Now that I’m older I know to just be honest. If others don’t respect my take, at least I can respect myself for keeping it real. As a side note, his reasoning for legalizing fully automatics was “because I like them.”
3. I learned when I was in my late 20’s that if you hate all your coworkers, life doesn’t just suck for you, it gets worse for everybody else. I got really good at **working well with everybody** because nothing sucks your motivation more than going to work and not being able to see eye-to-eye with anybody. Fast forward and I’ve worked with some pretty problematic dudes but somehow was able to be the one person not to lose their shit around them. There was this one dude who would get super angry if he didn’t smoke weed (yeah, it’s crazy). When he had those outbursts, people would get pissed off, so he ended up not having anyone else willing to work with him except me. Turns out the guy really isn’t all that bad if you just kinda nod along when he’s in one of his moods. I think I’m the only guy he actually liked at work, haha.
It was normal in my family to interrupt someone mid sentence or speak over. My husband and others taught/told me this was innappropriate… still working on it.
If you want to build a genuine connection with someone, the second time you meet them, greet them with excitement and a hug. The energy you bring to that moment often sets the tone for every meeting that follows
That you’re supposed to make eye contact with people when you walk by them (I think??) I live in the southern United States and this is something I’ll never get used to. In the North it’d be weird to make eye contact with strangers or say hi to everyone around (I think???). For example if I’m in a Walmart isle or walking down the street and someone else is coming, people have told me it’s normal if even expected to make eye contact and potentially rude not to. Can y’all fact check that lol?
30 comments
You’re supposed to say hello to everyone when you enter the room 💀
I had no idea it was rude to enter a room without greeting everyone until it happened to me & people called me rude for it.
I’m just awkward.
What’s up is not a real question.
Saying good morning when you enter your work office. I would just do a head nod and a closed smile to acknowledge my coworkers and the older women I worked with found it incredibly offensive that I did not explicitly speak and/or say good morning.
I honestly still kinda don’t get it because it feels so excessive to do this everyday 😭 but I do work from home now so I don’t have to deal with it anymore.
Kissing cheeks to say hello to people; not sure how many people here know about it but in Hispanic culture it’s common to greet familiar or introduced people with a cheek-to-cheek “kiss”. (Press cheeks and make kissing sound, super brief)
I was a shy kid growing up and slowly started exploring socializing in my teens, hung out with my very extroverted cousin and her equally outgoing friends and was quickly humbled into greeting people “correctly” , apparently they thought I was up tight and judgy because I would only give a shy “hi”
When someone says “Hi, I’m Joe” and shakes your hand, you need to reply with YOUR NAME as well. As in “Hi Joe, I’m Bob,” not just “Hi.” Oops.
The way you look and tend to your appearance is part of your social skills. Most social people tend to their appearance because they know being more attractive helps with first impressions and how you look communicates things about yourself.
More of a rule that I thought existed and actually didn’t: I thought only some people could organize events and invite people, so I just waited to be invited to things.
It turns out anyone can host and anyone can make up an event and invite people to it. Changed my life.
People can be silent, and silence can mean anything, not specifically negative. Just because they are silent it doesnt mean they dont agree with you. In my experience, most of the time people are not reactive. People wont be verbal about what pleases them.
You do something, get no reaction, change it/stop doing it and they say “Hey, I liked it why did you change it”
You flirt with a girl, she is not reactive, you stop flirting and their friends come and ask you “why are you so cold to her, what happened, she likes you” etc.
Pointing at someone or asking “what?” Is rude.
When you meet someone and asked their name, it’s okay to ask them again even if you forgot 💀
In most of Europe, a hello is de rigeur when entering any elevator, if there is at least one person ofc.
Often a goodbye when vacating it as well.
Not everyone was raised to all talk over each other and at the same time! I guess that’s not always unspoken but I’ve def had to learn to reel back my excited chatter when I’m agreeing by talking or adding on! Not everyone can be an Italian Jew I guess 🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️
Don’t be in your head coming up with things to reply to someone before they’ve even finished speaking. Listen to every sentence deeply, let it skin in, and trust that your brain will naturally come up with a response if you’ve listened well enough. That’s the biggest issue with socially anxious people- they don’t trust their brain. You need to trust your brain.
You shouldn’t always try to relate to something someone’s talking about. Especially if they’re upset about something.
Next thing you know you’ve completely moved the focus of the conversation off of the other person, on to being about you.
Really, they brought up the thing with you bc they needed to talk it. Relating to their story instead of empathizing or l can make them feel like you’re not really hearing them. Like ya’ll are having a show-and-tell of different things ya’ll have experienced, instead of you being there for them.
Interrupting others in conversation is considered rude.. even though if I dont say the thing I want to say that Ill forget that thing if I dont say it right away.. people get annoyed
That I’m basically living my life at a costume party.But i’m the only person not wearing a mask and people at costume parties don’t like people who aren’t wearing masks. 😅
Well, growing up my family would often snap fingers to get someone’s attention all the time.
I didn’t think much of it, until I was in for a rude awakening when I tried to get a waitress’s attention at a bar. She absolutely lost it at me.
That’s how I learned way too late it’s a demeaning gesture😬
I was a super observant child and didn’t talk too much &
I loved drawing people.
So I would always look at people bc my brain liked to take note on clothes/ style/ body types/ face structure.
I guess I would look at people up and down and not realize I would do this.
So it seemed like I was checking people out alll the time, coworkers, family, friends
Maybe my family never Noticed or got used to it knowing it was innocent bc no one of them ever told me otherwise.
I finally realized when I did this to some rando at the store one day and he was looking at me all weird when It finally clicked what I was doing like as a 24 yrs old girl!! I try not to think about all the mixed vibes I gave people over the years but it definitely makes sense, I cringe man.
So yeah careful where ur eyes wander even when you’re not trying to check someone else out.
when something is bothering you, you can say it and it will be okay. I know it sounds dumb but I used to think that being direct and saying explicitly that something is bothering you was impolite. now I realize that you can say something u dont like and people will say oh fine and not get offended by what you just said.
Act like you’ve been there before.
That you need to make up excuses (white lies) for saying no to invitations to try and spare the others feelings. Usually, just saying that you can’t make is enough.
People who consider you family or close friends expect you to show care by texting or calling them if you know there’s a big life event coming up. People will forgive you for contacting them when they want space but they will assume you don’t care about them if you fail to ask how they are doing even and especially when you both know the answer is probably “terrible.”
Some people view the world very hierarchically, and highly value status, image and their imagined place in the hierarchy. This is everything to them. It is extremely important for them – and you, meeting them – to demonstrate how intelligent, educated, suave, upper class, refined, elegant, confident, assertive, “the right type of person” you are. If you fail at this task, you are a loser. They will be polite to show their good breeding, and enjoy feeling superior to you.
Other people view the world as fundamentally egalitarian, and it is very important to demonstrate that you are not the first kind of person during small talk, so people know you’re a decent and trustworthy person, and they can relax around you and deepen the conversation beyond surface level polite small talk. You do this using humour, warmth, self deprecation, sometimes good-natured ribbing (depending on your subculture), deliberately doing things that would be considered “lower class” and dispensing with surface level politeness as quickly as possible.
Social norms and what is considered “decent” and “considerate” vary massively between these groups.
When people ask you how you’re doing, they don’t want to hear the truth. They’re generally interested a quick, upbeat reply. And if you must convey that everything has gone to shit, you’re meant to do so with humour and in one sentence. I must be a little bit on the AUDHD side of things because for the longest time I answered as though people gave a shit lol. It’s so strange because my husband and daughter tell me that I seem very socially relaxed and am among the best conversationalists they know, but that lesson from social skills 101 took me a while. I, on the other hand, actually want people to tell me how they are. If I don’t want to know, I try not to ask.
You need to take part in social activities in your own way and not follow another person’s way, otherwise you may end up comparing why you don’t get the same outcome as someone else does.
I am quiet and reserved mostly, but I have often compared myself to extrovert friends and how they socialise. I tried to copy them. It didn’t work out well because it wasn’t me. But I blamed myself when they didn’t work out and felt something was wrong with me fundamentally.
I can still socialise, I just gotta figure out how to do it my way.
Asking people what do they do for work super early in conversations (maybe a lot of people don’t consider this awkward?). Open to listening what people think about this issue
1. **Not every conversation has to be “deep.”** Small talk is actually quite therapeutic.
2. I learned from my best friend how to really **pay attention to what people say, sit on it, *then* give an honest response.** I was chatting with a casual friend a few days ago about guns and he’s very right wing. He doesn’t know yet that I’m an independent but I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m a Republican. So he was talking about how he thinks fully automatic guns should be legal and I just went “Yeah, I don’t see the point, to be honest.” Caught him off guard but it was cool that I wasn’t just agreeing the whole time. That “yes” attitude is more who I was at 18 years old. Now that I’m older I know to just be honest. If others don’t respect my take, at least I can respect myself for keeping it real. As a side note, his reasoning for legalizing fully automatics was “because I like them.”
3. I learned when I was in my late 20’s that if you hate all your coworkers, life doesn’t just suck for you, it gets worse for everybody else. I got really good at **working well with everybody** because nothing sucks your motivation more than going to work and not being able to see eye-to-eye with anybody. Fast forward and I’ve worked with some pretty problematic dudes but somehow was able to be the one person not to lose their shit around them. There was this one dude who would get super angry if he didn’t smoke weed (yeah, it’s crazy). When he had those outbursts, people would get pissed off, so he ended up not having anyone else willing to work with him except me. Turns out the guy really isn’t all that bad if you just kinda nod along when he’s in one of his moods. I think I’m the only guy he actually liked at work, haha.
It was normal in my family to interrupt someone mid sentence or speak over. My husband and others taught/told me this was innappropriate… still working on it.
If you want to build a genuine connection with someone, the second time you meet them, greet them with excitement and a hug. The energy you bring to that moment often sets the tone for every meeting that follows
That you’re supposed to make eye contact with people when you walk by them (I think??) I live in the southern United States and this is something I’ll never get used to. In the North it’d be weird to make eye contact with strangers or say hi to everyone around (I think???). For example if I’m in a Walmart isle or walking down the street and someone else is coming, people have told me it’s normal if even expected to make eye contact and potentially rude not to. Can y’all fact check that lol?