My spouse has been feeling very neglected in our 10 year relationship. Even prior to having kids we did not spend much time doing shared activities, which made me sad but I did little to try to improve things. It turns out they felt the same way but I feel they are reframing the past to seem as if they were constantly coming up with new activities for us to do together when that was not really the case. Regardless, they have always been very supportive of me pursuing higher education, finding a new career, etc, but feel I have not reciprocated and have only taken from them.
We have lived in a new city for several years now and I feel they have done very little to get acclimated and start a new life. They are not working or going to school and do not reach out to acquaintances in the area. We have small kids and I take care of most of the school activities and am naturally exposed to more parents and people in general. I don't have many close friends in the area but make acquaintances easily and generally talk to many people a day, in addition to working remotely.
My spouse feels I have no motivation to seek them out for activities and spend time with them, but they also criticize me for not having more hobbies myself and not taking better care of my/our living space. I also have ADHD and am autistic so I need a lot of alone decompress time and struggle with executive function/time management. They feel I have time to make plans for everyone in my life (meaning the kids and myself, but 90% of the time the kids) but them and do not prioritize them.
I can't dispute how they feel because it's their feelings but it seems like most partners with young kids naturally spend less time together and mostly do things like date nights throughout the week? We eat dinner together and will watch a few shows every night after the kids are in bed. I know I could be planning actual nights where we play board games, do puzzles, etc. I have a very flexible job and try to at least eat lunch at home with my spouse most work days. They have much higher spontaneous affection needs than I do and want me to be seeking them out more often to spend time with them. They compare me negatively to previous partners in terms of spending time with each other, but those relationships did not involve children. They've taken issue when we don't have sex for 5-7 days which again I can't dispute their feelings but in general they have much higher touch needs than me that I struggle to meet.
I'm in individual therapy but they refuse to do so themselves and will not do couple's therapy. Our relationship has almost completely deteriorated and I am really struggling to meet everyone's needs while staying sane myself. They are extemely depressed and lonely and blame me 100%. We fight almost constantly and they say I simply don't have the motivation to be with them and I often feel I'm unable to prioritize them to the level they are asking. Does anyone have advice? Thanks for reading.