Now that the year has ended and a new one has begun, I wanted to share what I learned from my three-year marriage.
Three weeks ago, I received my divorce certificate and, unexpectedly, I felt more peace and a kind of happiness different from the one I felt on my wedding day. Standing in the same building where I once got married brought back many memories and a lot to reflect on.
My ex-husband (26M 🇺🇸) and I (27F 🇲🇽) met online when we were 16 and were in a long-distance relationship for about five years before getting married, mainly so we could finally live together. For context, my ex-husband is autistic and has alexithymia, and he eventually moved to Mexico.
I had previously asked for advice in this subreddit and was given literature and support. I’m very grateful for that, and I wanted to give back by sharing my experience.
What I learned:
– Emotional safety comes first.
Even when drama isn’t constant, it’s possible to never feel fully safe in a relationship. Feeling unattractive, insecure, or afraid of losing your partner shouldn’t be a reason to tolerate being dismissed or insulted. If a relationship doesn’t provide emotional safety, either you work on it together or you leave.
– Be aligned on what marriage actually means.
Even though I married to close the distance, I quickly took the role of “wife” seriously. For my ex, marriage was more of a legal procedure with practical benefits. Neither perspective is wrong, but this kind of misalignment can quietly destroy a relationship.
– Marriage doesn’t fix problems.
It doesn’t. In many cases, it magnifies them. Living together leaves less space to process and creates the perfect environment for unresolved issues to surface.
– Neurodivergent or not, all needs matter.
I often put my own needs aside, telling myself: he’s autistic, he’s a foreigner, he doesn’t know the language, I shouldn’t add more stress. Over time, I burned out and the emotional connection was lost. Neurodivergence wasn’t the issue; unmet needs on both sides were.
– Respect your boundaries.
I broke my monogamous boundary to please my partner, and that was the beginning of losing my sense of safety.
– Learn how to communicate, especially across cultures and neurotypes.
We were best friends, yet we took many things for granted. Cultural differences and unspoken expectations slowly created distance. Love alone wasn’t enough.
– LDRs need plans.
Long-distance relationships can be beautiful: deep communication, independence, and strong emotional bonds. But without well-defined goals and structure, uncertainty grows. We thought marriage would fix that, surprise it didn’t.
– Know your love languages.
We loved each other differently, and both of us felt neglected. We didn’t know how to meet in the middle, and that slowly eroded the emotional connection.
– Trust your gut.
Even when things looked “fine,” my body knew something wasn’t right. Living on constant alert is not normal and intuition matters.
– Listen to your friends and family. Keep them close.
They supported my relationship because it “made me happy,” but they also noticed how stressed and sad I looked. When things fell apart, they became my support system and played a huge role in my healing.
How did I cope and find closure?
Ironically, I felt more peace receiving my divorce certificate than on my wedding day.
Each time something broke, I coped in small ways: baking, knitting, picking up new hobbies, and eventually creating an album to say goodbye to the version of us I loved.
When he came back so we could divorce, I hugged him every day. Each hug was a small goodbye a way of honoring the good moments and adventures we shared. By the time he left, I had already grieved. I also had a moment of awakening thanks to a friend, and I’ll always be grateful for that.
I don’t regret what I did for love. I know I tried my best, even when I felt insecure and that gives me peace.
Do I still believe in marriage?
Yes. I loved having a partner, a best friend, someone to share daily life with. I would marry again if I felt safe, secure, and truly seen. I don’t believe long-distance relationships, cultural differences, or being neurotypical/neurodivergent doom a relationship. What matters is how you manage issues and grow together.
We might have worked through these problems, but at some point, the effort stopped on both sides.
If you have a good partner, take care of that relationship. Work through issues early and grow together. Being loved by someone who truly cares is a privilege but so is knowing when to leave.
I'll leave some literature below that I think is worth reading for healthy relationships (that I didn’t fully read in time, haha :c) , and I hope to return to this community one day with more positive experiences about marriage.
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
- The Five Love Languages
- Too good to leave, too bad to stay
- 150+ Deep Questions to ask before Marriage: Know your partner through Effective communication and Build a stronger Future together
Wishing you a happy new year filled with adventures, growth, and love with your spouse!