My fiance (21M) and i (21F) have been together for 7 years. we got engaged a little over a year and a half ago after what i thought was plenty of conversations with clear expectations of how our dynamic should be changing if we’re moving forward. we bith agreed we wanted a long engagement, no marriage until we’ve lived together well over a year. we don’t live together yet, i didn’t want to until we were engaged, so he still lives at home with his parents & siblings. to make a long story short we’ve had a few bumps in the road this year where i really felt like he was still putting that family too far above me, and nye was the final straw for me. his family was having a party, and i just didn’t want to be w them at midnight (after spending all recent holidays w all of his extended relatives, i just wanted to start the new year with just him, i have some particular superstitions). i tried to compromise and said we could literally stay until 11:45 if he wanted, i just wanted to be alone at 12, but he held his ground about being there for midnight. not even in an insistent, demanding way, almost like he felt he had no other choice? the whole situation was just really odd to me and after even fighting on the phone for a few hours he never let up so i just told him to go and that i was going to bed. fast forward to last night we had a conversation and he says he feels like he owes “so much” to his family and that he’s never “considered doing anything else but spending time w family for any holiday” so i decided to end the engagement right there because to me, and after the original boundaries that were set, that’s not someone who’s ready to be married. i didn’t break up with him and do not want to, i know this is soooo far from an ordinary situation i really just need some outside perspective and advice on how to proceed. he seems to be genuinely apologetic and i know i can’t tell him how to change. he just doesn’t seem to even truly understand why he thinks the way he does. our goal was to move out in these next few months, i feel like maybe he just needs to not be living with them in order to not cave to their every beck and call? any advice helps thank you!!
EDIT: i just want to add i had a very very troubling upbringing and marriage is very important to me, i genuinely am not some stupid 21 year old jumping into marriage. i’m aware he’s not ready yet but i genuinely do not believe he intends to think/act this way, per our conversation last night. i don’t consider this a break up and i don’t think he’s a bad person or not fit for me, and i know this sounds ridiculous but i really don’t want to end it i just want him to see that he doesn’t actually owe them so much and that he can enjoy his own life too.