My gf and I have been dating for about a year. We met in college during my junior year and started dating during my senior. After I graduated I moved back to my hometown. She lives at the college during the semester and at her parents' over breaks and neither are near where I live. I am able to meet her on her drive between though, and it was one of these opportunities where this issue takes place.
I was performing in a holiday concert that would have multiple performances over the course of a weekend. It was my first live performance, and I wanted to give my gf the option to come see one. My family offered to let her stay with them for a night so she wouldn’t have to drive at night (something she avoids) to get back home. I told her this and sent her the dates and times of all the performances a month or so in advance since I wanted to give her plenty of time to plan around studying for finals. She expressed interest and said she’d get back to me once she had more details about what her finals would look like.
I waited for about a week before I asked her again if she knew any more about what her plans looked like. She again said that she wanted to come but didn’t have any idea on what her plans would be.
Now, I knew that she had problems with planning and time management. Things tend to stress her out easily, so I’d adapted to have more spontaneous activities than planned dates. For instance, I didn’t’ plan anything for her birthday, I just drove out and visited her as a surprise which she loved. However, since it wasn’t just my place, but my parents’, I wanted to give them plenty of notice so we could clean and prepare a space for her.
The concert dates got closer and closer and I would continue to ask her what her plans were. I tried not to harp on the topic or sound like I was coercing her, so I asked every week or so. Each time she’d fervently express that she wanted to come, but that she wasn’t sure what her plans were. I even offered to help her plan things out if she would share her course schedule, but she declined that.
The performances had arrived and she still has not confirmed if she’s coming or not, though the option for the Sunday evening performance was the most discussed. I text her the night after the Friday night performance and still couldn't get a definite yes or no. After Saturday night’s performance I text her again, and she asks how important to me it is that she attend the performance. At that moment I knew that she wasn’t coming.
I respond honestly, “Not very, 4ish. I just want to see you.” She responds asking if it would be ok if she just stopped for lunch on her way instead of stopping for the night. I responded, “If that works best for you, yes. (being blunt) I kinda feel let down.” Being blunt is code for us to be totally honest with each other. I wasn’t that upset that she wasn’t going to be at the performance, but I was upset that she drew this out for so long. I was upset that she wasn’t considering the inconvenience that it was to my family who was also involved. It hurt that she didn’t consider how I was feeling when all I wanted to do was give her options to relieve some of the stress of it.
How do I communicate this issue to her without being unkind or insensitive about the issues I know she has? How am I meant to deal with any future problems we may have if we have communication issues?
TLDR:
I want to plan things with my long distance gf but she stresses about planning. It caused an issue when she put off making a decision until the night before. It hurt to not have my feelings or the inconvenience it caused my family to be considered. How do I communicate this issues to her without being unkind or insensitive about the issues I know she has with planning?