thank you in advance if you read this at all, even more so if try to help.
I don’t post very often; I trust it’s understandable why this is a throwaway acc.
TL;DL below.
At the beginning of summer I (22M) met a girl (19F), and we ended up seeing each other almost every day. After a little more than two weeks, we got together. After that, we continued spending enormous amounts of time together. It was intense and beautiful, for example, we spent 10 days camping at our favorite festival, and for the most part it went smoothly. We went places, did things, but even in everyday life I couldn’t have wished for anything better. I think we complemented each other well: she was the excitement, I was the calm that had been missing from both of our lives. We share a lot of intrests and style but different enough. We were constantly together, which made me very happy, though she said it felt strange and new to her.
In many ways she was more mature; her parents are divorced, and she often had to be the one who held things together. At the same time, because of experience, there were areas where I was more mature. We’d both had some experience, but each of us had only had one “proper” relationship before: hers was a fairly loose but positive two-month relationship two years ago, mine was three years ago and lasted almost a year and a half. She lives life with a big appetite. Lots of friends, studying in the capital, always on the move. I want to live like that too, but I study at a university in the countryside, and my past, my family situation, is heavy. I’ve always had people around me, yet I’ve always felt lonely. I tried to give her the space she asked for, but I became emotionally dependent on her.
She didn’t have particularly good experiences with men in general, and she told me that no one had ever loved her this much and that she didn’t know what to do with it. I told her she didn’t have to do anything with it, for me, loving her felt natural. Being able to care for her felt good, and her existence gave me strength. If anything, it made me want to love her even more.
There was an incident at the end of August when she went out partying with her friends and straigh up told me not to come. It hurt a lot, and I told her how I felt before she even arrived there. I felt abandoned. Later, though, I felt guilty about how strongly I reacted. What hurt as well was that I didn’t feel much empathy from her, but eventually it seemed like we had talked it through.
At the beginning of September she said she wasn’t sure about the relationship, but that she loved me very much and wanted to get these doubts out of her head. From that point on, I became very anxious. I believe she genuinely tried, but I felt powerless. On top of that, because of school we could only see each other on weekends, and I would spiral if even that didn’t work out. Sometimes she said things that suggested she wanted to plan for the long term too; other times it felt like she were already grieving us.
I have to admit, first and foremost to myself, that I often put more love into the relationship than she did. She told me she felt that too, and that it bothered her. I know she loved me in her own way, and I’m grateful for that.
At the beginning of October she broke up with me, saying she “wasn’t in love enough.” I still don’t fully understand it, honestly, because it felt like we worked. Our last weekend together was heavenly, and I wanted to do everything I could to make it that way for her as well. I was preparing myself for no-contact, but when I got home from her place, it was as if she sensed it, she called me, crying. She said she had been looking for me everywhere, that she didn’t want to lose me, that we’d keep talking, that she didn’t feel the same she felt with me, and that we would buy the festival pass for next year together. We agreed we’d always be there for each other. We stayed on the phone about till we fell asleep, there was everything, mostly crying.
I’m still certain that I want to be with her, and that certainty eats away at me. I told her I wanted to plan a future with her, and I’m afraid I said it too soon and it scared her. I knew she's prone to depression but in November she had a severe panic attack and was taken away by ambulance. That’s when I found out she has panic disorder. Since then, she’s been seeing a psychiatrist; and there’s suspicion of bipolar disorder/BPD as well. She’s on medication since as far as I know. I suggested therapy back when we were still together, she didn’t take it well at the time, but now she’s looking for help. I’m on a waiting list too; supposedly I’ll have a chance soon. Even when we were together, we talked about deep things, mostly about her, even though there would have been plenty to talk about when it came to me too, lol. She said it bothered her that I didn’t share as much about myself, but all I could do was focus on her.
We kept talking after the breakup almost every day, which I came to like a lot. Still, I often felt us drifting apart. I became more ambitious, partly inspired by her, partly for my own sake, and somewhere in the back of my mind, to win her back. I barely have any free time now; I try to distract myself from thinking about her.
I tried to be more relaxed about our relationship. I invited her to a concert, there would have been a natural reason to meet, but she said “she didn’t know.” I genuinely understood that. Later she said she was sick, etc.; that part I understood less. I was afraid she may have been moving on.
We kept talking, sometimes more, sometimes less, as the weeks went by. Around mid-December she called me. She said it was to ask for directions, but given how capable she is, I think it was at best an excuse, because she panicked and wanted to reach out to me. Not long after that, she even suggested we meet, then canceled on the morning of. That hurt. I constantly felt this contradiction of her needing me but being afraid to be as close as we used to be.
Now we’re at a point where she told me she’s buying the festival pass with a friend of hers. When I asked why, she left me on seen. That was about two weeks ago.
I feel like I’m healing. This whole experience has set a lot in motion inside me, both positive and negative. I’m glad the push-pull limbo is over, but I also feel that this, "we" deserve more than being left hanging on seen.
I keep writing messages to myself that I imagine sending to her; some of them are quite long. I try to write shorter ones too, that feels more realistic, even though she said she likes “love letters.”
I want to fix what we had, to work on myself and on us, to stay and endure, but I know I can’t do her part for her.
I’ve always wanted to find my partner as early as possible; I know that’s easy to say. With her, everything I’m looking for is there and beyond that, givint her the love she's never gotten awakens something deep inside me.
I don’t want to play armchair psychologist, but while I’m waiting to get into therapy myself, I wanted to understand more. I’ve read a bit, and it feels like she has an avoidant attachment style, while I’m anxious though I know this whole topic is a rabbit hole in itself.
I even felt scared that I wouldn't be able to love like I loved her.
I’m planning on sending her a not-too-long message tomorrow, one that includes what really matters: that I think about her a lot, that I understand if she doesn’t have the capacity right now, that I know I could have done things differently too, that I’m glad we met, and that if she ever wants to reach out, she knows where to find me and I wish her well.
I trust that right now we’re both healing and growing, and that maybe, sooner or later, we can find our way back to each other.
Maybe at our festival lol.
TL;DR:
I (22M) was in a short but very intense relationship with a girl (19F) over the summer. We connected fast, spent a lot of time together, and I fell harder than I probably should have. Over time, she became unsure about the relationship while I grew more anxious and emotionally invested, and after she broke up with me we got stuck in a push-pull dynamic where she didn’t want to lose me but couldn’t fully be with me either. We stayed in contact for months, with mixed signals and emotional closeness, until recently she went cold, then silent and left me on read. I’m trying to heal and move forward without causing more pain to either of us, and I’m struggling to figure out what the healthiest next step is. I’m starting to heal and work on myself, suspect an anxious/avoidant attachment dynamic, and I’m unsure whether to send one final, respectful message or fully let go, and whether it’s realistic to hope we might reconnect in the future.
I want the best for her. And for the first in a long time, for myself as well. This makes me understand that the timing may indeed not be right for us right now.
Are we salvageable? Is it worth believing that we might find each other again in the future?
What’s the best next step?