First time poster; posting from mobile so I apologize for errors. Trigger warning if needed: SA, Abortion, Stillbirth.
This is a little convoluted, and might have TMI, but I really input opinions. I’m going to try to give as much of a backstory as I can for it to all make sense.
I (43F) have been dating the absolute love of my life (49M) for 4 months (this time around). I’ll call him Michael for this purpose. He is a fearful avoidant, I’m anxious attachment – which may or may not be relevant. We dated for awhile historically, and broke up just under two years ago due to some significant trauma in my life that I needed space to handle. The father of my children died suddenly and I lost a pregnancy late term at almost the exact same time (it was the same father of my other children; conceived before my BF and I were exclusive).
While my BF was extremely supportive, I had a LOT to work through and absolutely sabotaged the relationship, so we separated for me to be able to sort things out. I’ve had a ton of therapy, and was amazingly able to come back to a solid place in my life.
Unfortunately, all good things come to an end and 3 months ago, my best friend in the entire world, let’s call him Jason, the person I feel is fully responsible for getting me through that traumatic time and would do literally anything for me, tragically died due to a freak accident, and my entire world fell apart again.
Michael and Jason had been surface level friends also, so when I was notifying everyone of his death, I also texted Michael. Though in interest of full disclosure, I needed comfort and to feel safe again, and Michael had always provided that, which is why I really reached out. Regardless, we reconnected over it. During our break, neither one of us dated anyone else. We came back together, and it has been absolutely amazing… mostly. Honestly like zero time has passed. We work so well together in almost every area. I’ve been in love with him the entire time, and know he’s my forever person.
The problem, is that about a month after we started dating there was a fluke accidental pregnancy, despite birth control. Long story short, I had an ovarian cyst rupture that was a “functional” cyst. I had started birth control mid-cycle, and an egg had developed, the rupture released the egg which essentially ended up being a perfect storm resulting in pregnancy. It also landed me in the hospital for severe bleeding and resulted in several blood transfusions and was vaguely traumatic all around; only ending by finding out I was pregnant. Awesome.
I knew I would be emotionally attached, especially after having lost a son a few years ago, but I also knew we had just gotten back together, he is much older and does not want children (he loves them, and is amazing with them, and works as a pediatric ER nurse), but didn’t want to be an “old” father. I also have a history of severe pre-eclampsia with my prior children, the last of which left me in a coma for 3 weeks and ended with him being born 11 weeks early, so there were significant health risks involved. I told Michael that if it was anyone BUT him, I would still try to have the baby, but at the end of the day, our relationship was my priority, so I would let him weigh all of the options and decide what to do.
He opted for termination, and despite it being extremely difficult emotionally on both of us, he was SUCH an amazing support through it all.
So here’s the issue:
Since then, despite me being on birth control, and complying RELIGIOUSLY, and the fact that there’s never been an oops before, AND that at 43, I’m not exactly fertile myrtle anymore, he will only have sex with a condom. Even though to this point, we had never used condoms together. We waited until we were exclusive and committed- both times, and provided clean STI checks. I was on BC so there was never a need to before. So this is out of character completely.
I understand his concerns; he does not want children, and he’s made it this far in life without it. We’ve spoken about a vasectomy and it isn’t something he wants, and I won’t force the issue. I’ve also considered a hysterectomy, but due to a lot of scar tissue and adhesions, I’ve been told it’s very high risk for me and there’s only 1 doctor in my major city that was even willing to try. I AM considering having my ovaries removed or my tubes tied, but quite honestly it scares the crap out of me, and I’m not sure I’m ready for it; especially since BC has always worked so well. IUDs aren’t an option (That’s how i got child #2, and the second time I tried I bled for 16 straight months. Never again.)
Regarding condom usage though; I completely understand his WHY. It was a very difficult process for both of us, emotionally and mentally, and I know he doesn’t want to risk going through that again, so I’ve complied with that request to this point.
HOWEVER, I have a history of trauma related to condom usage (cliff notes; I was 🍇d, he used a condom, and I cannot unassociate those two things). Because of that, despite penetration being the primary way I usually get off, I absolutely cannot when he uses one (though he makes certain I am taken care of, and physically otherwise we are very very good together), and rather than it being something I enjoy it’s become a “let’s get this part over with” type of reaction. Additionally, it usually triggers nightmares or panic attacks after.
He is aware of both the panic attacks and the nightmares, and helps me through them, but no I have not told him what is causing it; he just assumes it’s related to the passing of Jason, or other issues. But it’s honestly putting me in a frame of mind where I don’t even want sex, and I am usually extremely high drive, the primary initiator, and also very very easy to get off, so he’s noticing that something has definitely shifted.
I know if I tell him, he will instantly stop using them. (And probably get upset that I didn’t tell him sooner.) But I don’t want to inadvertently end up having HIM being uncomfortable/nervous to placate me, which is why I haven’t told him yet. Yes, in a way, we are both protecting each other.
All of this has happened in the last two months. I know the primary response will be “just talk to him” but again, I don’t want to end up replacing my discomfort with his, which is what I know will happen.
So my specifics question are these –
1. What are the odds this concern of his will pass sometime in the near future and we can just go back to normal?
2.Is this fear something that will lesson in time, or is the intent to really just use condoms until I hit menopause or remove my ovaries?
3. If so, is there a way I can discuss this where I dont need to bring up that trauma related to this to explain?
4. Is it unreasonable for me to say I’d rather just NOT have actual intercourse if condoms are the only option? There are other things we can do that bring us both pleasure…
I’m at a loss. I want him to be comfortable, I don’t want to give up what is otherwise an incredible sex life, but I also can’t keep taking Xanax to get through being intimate with the man I am head over heels in love with.
If something doesn’t change soon, I’m terrified this will break us.
Please help.