(Note: sister is 27 years old).
My husband’s sister does not like me. We have been together for five years. During the first year, my relationship with his family felt strong. I adored them. One of my favorite things, despite my very busy schedule, was seeing them whenever I could. I was genuinely excited and wanted them to see me in a good light.
Over time, his sister started acting strangely toward me. At first, she was very close to me. She shared personal problems about her relationship, saying she wished her boyfriend put in more effort and that my relationship with her brother was what she wanted for herself. She often said she loved our relationship and that she was happy I was part of the family because she “hated all of his previous girlfriends.”
Eventually, things began to shift. She started making comments that I brushed off at the time, but now they make me sad.
First, she lives about an hour away in a neighborhood that was far from both my home and my university at the time. Even so, I would make the trip. Often, she would spend very little time with me before leaving or would spend most of the visit smoking with her partner or friends, knowing I do not smoke and could not be part of that. This did not upset me deeply, but it feels important to mention.
Another time, my cousin could not attend my brother’s wedding, and she told her that she “did not miss much” and that the wedding was not great. That hurt me, as it was a very special day for my family.
She would also act passive aggressive toward me, though at the time I did not fully recognize it for what it was.
One major incident happened on her birthday. She became very upset and sent messages to my husband and the family group chat saying she was angry at me because I did not make a birthday post for her on social media. I had texted her “happy birthday” early in the morning before work and planned to post later. At the time, I had an extremely stressful job and was constantly anxious. This situation escalated, and she began saying that I never visited enough or put in enough effort with her. This was during a period when I was graduating, finishing my thesis, starting a new job, applying to graduate school, getting accepted, and preparing to move abroad, all while working full time. I was overwhelmed. She had already graduated and was unemployed at the time. She removed me from social media and spoke badly about me before eventually telling me what upset her. I apologized and told her I would try harder. This also caused a serious conflict between my husband and me because everyone was pushing me to do more, and when I said I was stressed, I felt no one understood or supported me.
Another situation, which I take responsibility for, happened when her grandmother passed away. Her grandma lived in another country and did not spend much time with the grandkids and she did not have the chance. I called her mother to offer condolences and asked her to pass them on to her daughter. I should have called or seen her directly, but I was extremely stressed and did not realize my mistake at the time. We later spoke about it, and I apologized repeatedly. I told her I understood why she was hurt and wanted to move forward, and it seemed like things might improve.
Also, at her aunt’s birthday, I came all the way with a large bouquet of flowers but arrived a little late. Her aunt greeted me at the door with clear passive aggression and a cold expression. After that, she continued acting passive aggressive toward me and told my husband that she did not like me.
After this, my life changed significantly. I started a new career in another country, and my husband moved with me. He also found a job that aligned much better with his goals. When I visited during the summer, we had a large family dinner. My mother drove from another city to attend. During the dinner, everyone was passive aggressive. Some gave me mean looks, and others ignored me completely. At the time, we assumed they were just having a bad day.
The next day, I went to see his sister to spend time together. (It was just us two) This is when everything exploded. When I first arrived in the country, she had been the first person I saw. I attended a party for her even though I am an introvert because she was going through a difficult time and close to breaking up with her boyfriend. I supported her, checked in on her, and tried to be there for her. On another visit, she stayed in her room all day because she was depressed, and I understood and respected that.
This time, when I came to see her alone, expecting bonding time, she began yelling at me. She told me she does not support my relationship with her brother and that the entire family speaks negatively about me behind my back. When I asked what I had done wrong, the only thing she mentioned was that I had arrived late to gatherings a few times. That was all she could point to. She told me she does not appreciate me and that she is done trying. I apologized and tried to calm the situation, saying I would do better, but sometimes timing is out of my control because I live far away. She said she does not want to try anymore and that nothing will fix this. She told me she does not need to have a relationship with me.
When I tried to explain that I sometimes feel unaccepted by the family, she said I deserve the way they treat me because being late is a huge issue in their family. I felt she was searching for reasons. I became extremely anxious, excused myself to the bathroom, cried, and tried to calm down. When I came back, I suggested we leave. I was embarrassed that she was yelling at me in a restaurant and realized she was not willing to hear my side or acknowledge my feelings.
I told my husband everything and cried for days. I told him I did not want to deal with her anymore. He supported me and said I would never be forced to see them again because he felt the situation was unfair.
Now we are back visiting family, and the tension is even worse. My husband told his sister that the only way we could be in the same room was if she apologized. After a lot of pressuring from her family, she sent me a message saying she was sorry but that she is protective of her brother and wants to make sure “no one hurts him.” She said she was upset that I did not come to her to fix things and complained that my husband speaks on my behalf. I do not want to deal with this anymore. None of it feels genuine, and I do not know what to do.
Also want to note that his parents do love me and his mom has previously defended me and supported my decision to not want to see his sister. It is mainly the aunts and sister that have a problem with me and try to break us apart