I’m a guy in my mid to late thirties, and I’m really struggling to make meaningful connections. This is both friendships and romantic, and I don’t understand why this is happening.
By all accounts, I’ve got a lot going for me. I have a job that I’m passionate about, I’m in shape, and I have several hobbies that get me out of the house and interacting with people. I get along with others, I’m playful, I make people laugh, and I’m socially competent. I’ve never had reason to believe otherwise than that people enjoy my company, considering I can’t seem to go a week without at least one compliment about my appearance, it’s safe to say I’m decent looking.
But when I say I have no friends or a dating life, I mean it. The people I regularly see at events, some that I've known for years, are more like acquaintances. None of them have ever invited me to hang out outside of those events, and I haven’t gotten a single friend request on social media for over a decade. I know it's specific to me, because these same people will have group chats and I'll hear about places they've gone to, together.
I’ve also never been on a date. I've done a lot over the years, and have struggled to meet anyone. One hobby that I have had for years, I see women often. My interactions with women have always been positive, and I've had enough comments to suggest I'm not a guy they think negatively of, but the only women I find who will make an effort to interact with me are usually much older, already in relationships, or in general just unavailable emotionally. When it comes to women my age or a bit younger, they seem to avoid me like the plague, and that’s been consistent throughout my life. The only time I do speak to them is when the situation kind of “forces it”. I do not act differently around anyone, regardless of whether or not I find them attractive. I’ve tried dating apps in the past, but I never got any matches, so I gave them up years ago.
I’ve been to therapy, and nothing seems “wrong” with me in terms of my social skills. Sure, I have areas to work on, but there hasn’t been anything major that stands out as a barrier.
It’s tough because I really do enjoy life, but I’d love to eventually meet someone special. I’d like to experience dating, have a few casual encounters maybe, and hopefully settle down someday.
I just want some advice, really.
15 comments
You must be doing something weird, or smell weird. Maybe hit up some old friends and ask for feedback. Or wait till people are a bit buzzed at an event and ask for feedback lol
I mean this with no disrespect….But it’s unlikely that you’re as attractive and socially competent as you think you are. If you were, women would not be avoiding you like the plague.
You sound like a decent dude based on this post. I’m in no way implying that you’re some ugly socially awkward weirdo. But there are likely things that are off-putting about you, even subtly. Having no friends and never having been on a date in your mid 30s despite active effort is telling.
Folks wanting to become an athlete or dancer or musician all work with coaches over time, as they build their skills.
You need a coach….. Sure reddit can give you big picture ideas to meet women and start interacting but you’re already doing that and something isn’t working. I’m guessing the magic sauce is subtle and might be hard to ferret out and address here. For a coach, I suggest you might really benefit from a period of time regularly seeing a decent therapist who has cognitive behavioral skills in the toolbox. Talk about the last time you tried to flirt, and how it went. Get ideas for what to change and what to try next time from a pro who gets to know the subtle sides of you.
Have you actually asked any of them to go out and do something? Have you added any of them on FB? Rather than waiting on others to?
have you tried being proactive?
>None of them have ever invited me to hang out
>the only women I find who will make an effort to interact with me
i saw you said that you’ve had no luck on apps, it could be that your profile just isn’t any good. but irl especially with friends, it sounds like you could probably put in more effort
& if women are avoiding you irl, there might be something else that you need to work on – being attractive (which is subjective) isn’t everything
Well, it could be a number of reasons contributing to this that might not be answered in a single post.
However, consider some of these questions: Have you taken initiative in any of these events/ circumstances/ meet ups/ etc.? Have you initiated conversation(s) with women or people who have caught your attention? Have YOU approached or put in effort to get to know any one further than the hobbies/events you attend? You say no one has invited you to hangout outside of your events or gotten a single friend request, but have YOU invited people to hang out outside of those events or requested to add people on your social media? Lastly, have you explicitly asked anyone on a date?
You should get a second opinion. Maybe go to a dating coach or therapist and give them the breakdown and give you the honest truth. Probably missing something here
1. Go to therapy
And
2. You are thinking a lot about yourself and not showing a lot of curiosity about other people. Maybe this inward focus is obvious to other people & they just don’t find it all that interesting to interact with someone who is only focused on themself all the time. Try getting genuinely curious about other people, asking open ended questions, listening actively, etc.
This
“I get along with others, I’m playful, I make people laugh, and I’m socially competent. I’ve never had reason to believe otherwise than that people enjoy my company,”
and this
“When it comes to women my age or a bit younger, they seem to avoid me like the plague, and that’s been consistent throughout my life. The only time I do speak to them is when the situation kind of “forces it”. I do not act differently around anyone, regardless of whether or not I find them attractive. ”
Are contradictory. if you’re a playful, guy, why are women avoiding you like the plague? Not even for friendship? How are these conversations going, and why do you only talk if the situations forces it?
Join a church. They have to accept you
Why don’t you invite your acquaintances out instead of waiting for an invite….I think you should have some success as you look to make friends.
In regards to dating, that is really a crapshoot. You can really meet potential dates anywhere. Worse case, do some online dating.
Don’t lose hope. Things have a way of working out.
How good looking are you really. It could be that you’re very unattractive and thats the problem. Or it could be that you are very good looking so most women will be pretty shy and that’s your issue. Post on amiugly and see the response. Remember that if you are very handsome the only women likely to relate to you at a dating level will be ones who are very sexually attractive.
Sounds like you have your ducks in a row. Take your shot
How many times a week do you ask women out on dates? How many times a week do you ask aquaintances who you’d like to befriend if they wanna get a beer/coffee some time? How much time did you actually invest in online dating before you decided that no one matches with you even though you’re attractive? I think you’re gonna need to try a lot harder than whatever you are doing now.
In many of your comments you sound like someone who is hypersensitive to rejection, who feels totally unwanted and just gives up if someone says they’re busy after you ask them to hang once.
You say that you’re socially competent, and maybe you are, in a superficial “small talk” sense. But you are clearly not competent at making vulnerable and deep connections. I would advise to start making more effort with friends before trying to start dating. As a woman, I see it as a red flag if someone has no friends.
If you want friends, you need to be vulnerable with people. Tell them what you like about them, tell them how you really feel about something, tell them why you would love to see them more. That’s how you make them connect with you, it’s not enough to just be someone who seems fun and confident. And you may have to ask multiple people multiple times before someone has time to hang out. That’s normal.
Sorry to bust your image, but i think you’re less attractive and social than you think. There is no such thing as and attractive man with social skills that has no dates. An attractive and social man in his late thirties would have women 25-29 hitting on him on a regular basis