I believed me (25F) and my boyfriend (24M) were a couple for the last 6 years however, I found some things that have changed that and I refuse to look stupid. A few nights ago, I went out with my boyfriend and when we got home, he felt compelled to tell me he may have seen someone he used to talk to. It wasn’t a big deal to me seeing we’ve been together a long time so I bluntly asked when this was. He said they were talking the year we started seeing each other. Now I want to make something clear. In the first 2 years, there wasn’t a definitive “let’s make it official” but we have the same group of people and they knew we were seeing each other. I became more curious and started to look at his messages to find he was talking to other girls during that time. I haven’t really considered this cheating because we hadn’t put an official title to it until the end of the 2nd year but at the same time, I wasn’t talking to anyone because I knew I wanted him only. I also had no idea he was doing this until now so I’m not sure where I stand in this. I asked him if he was seeing them as well. He said no he only messaged them online but that only makes a small difference. I don’t feel any special about it. My issue here is, when asked how long we’ve been together, he says 6-7 years but because he was still open to talking to other girls in the beginning, it doesn’t sit right with me and I feel stupid. I want to know if I’m thinking too hard on this because it’s actually starting to fuck me up
5 comments
How were you with someone for 2 years without it being official?
You are thinking too hard about this. Just tell any one who asks how long you’ve been together that according to your calculations it’s been 4 years. If your boyfriend publicly disagrees with you he is going to look pretty silly when you remind him that he was still talking to other girls. He was either cheating or you weren’t officially dating.
Unless you’re prepared to end this relationship maybe don’t let your pedantry get in the way of the good enough. What constitutes “a couple” is different for different people and there are plenty of non monogamous unions that consider themselves very much “a couple”. No one but you is at all concerned about this detail and no one thinks you look “stupid” unless you’ve been openly complaining about this to them. If you can’t get past it then break up with him. Just don’t demand that he adopt your minutiae-laden definition of the exact moment you believe this relationship started. It’s also worth noting that when this started you were both teenagers, aka people who tend to lack the maturity for the level precision you seem to want.
If it bothers you that much you can clarify it for people. Just say casually for 2 years commited for 4 years. But I think your just looking at the same thing from different angles. Technically he’s not wrong, and neither are you.
You have been seeing eachother consistently for 6 years according to you
The lack of a title on the relationship doesn’t change that fact.