For context, my boyfriend and I have been together for a year come January 31st. He’s met my family (per his request, to begin a relationship). I don’t have very many friends so he hasn’t really met any. My sister is my best friend, and my cousin is a really close one. He’s met all of the above.
He travels for work for months at a time. In the year timespan, I’ve “met”his mom (he had a 3-minute conversation with her while he grabbed some stuff from her. I just happened to be in the car). I accidentally met one of his closest friends from high school (the friend was dropping him off to see me). He was super upset about that. I’ve had maybe 2 very short conversations with his father over the phone (he lives out of state). I’ve met and hung out with 3 of his “close” coworkers that he’s known for maybe 9-10 months. Other than this, he’s completely avoided the subject of me meeting anyone else. I will admit I’ve pushed (practically begged at this point), because it’s important to me. To him, he says it’s not important and that it’ll happen in due time when he’s ready.
Now. He’s on vacation in our hometown. He plans to hang out with quite a few of his friends and one of their sisters and girlfriends for NYE. I’ve been quite upset about this, because he says he just wants it to be him and his guy friends. But it won’t be, as a girlfriend and sister will be there. Aside from that, he’s hung out with multiple of them multiple times already since he’s been back. We’re almost a year into our relationship. Why is he not ready? He eventually threw in the towel, and said I could come if I’d like. I said, well I do not want to come when I’m unwanted in that situation. He gave me an ultimatum, come or that’s it for us. What can I do to approach this situation to help him understand where I’m coming from? I understand I’ve been pushy about it. It genuinely hurts my feelings that he doesn’t want me there. It feels like he keeps himself and his personal life at such a distance that sometimes I feel like I really don’t know him.
Edited to add: I know him travelling sounds sus. I’ve visited him multiple times during a project. He has a strong hatred, as do I, for cheating as we’ve both been cheated on in the past. Aside from that, he is autistic. He does not do things he doesn’t want to do. Meaning, if he didn’t want a relationship with me, he wouldn’t be in one. He’s said that multiple times. I’ve seen him when he doesn’t want to do something, he will just simply not do it.
TL;DR : We’ve been together for almost a year but he doesn’t want me to meet his friends as he’s not ready.
18 comments
This is because you are the side piece. Travels for work months at a time? Girl.
Pretty sure he’s married. “Travels for months for work?” Come on.
You are too old to allow someone to play games like this. Go find a better guy.
Do you honestly believe he’s faithful? This sounds sus as hell
You’re either not his main girlfriend, or he simply doesn’t love you and doesn’t see this relationship progressing beyond what you have now. Sorry to break it to you, but that’s very clear given all the info here. Time to dump his ass and stop wasting any more time on him.
That’s sad 🙁 I’m sorry. Dump his cheating ass. You’ll definitely find someone better
He asked to meet your family but is actively avoiding you meeting his? Girl
I believe he’s traveling for months at a time for work, but he still sounds like he sucks and is trying to conceal you for some reason. I would break up with him
The problem is, he doesn’t care where you’re coming from. You’ve been clear it’s important to you and he isn’t budging, which is also his right. But it also means you’re incompatible and it’s time to break up.
It is very offensive and ableist to assume that just because a person has autism, they cannot react the same way as NTs. Some autistic people cannot lie, but that is their personal characteristics. You cannot assume all autistic people have the same personality or same coping mechanism. There are a large number of autistic people that use lying as coping mechanisms to demanding situations. People all are different. Every autistic person is different! Don’t assume anything when you start dating an autistic person. If something is sketchy, suspect it and pay attention to it. Don’t rub it off because he has autism.
He already lied about spending the New Year with his guy friends. And this dude just sounds exhausting. So many angers just from meeting a friend and does not sound like a good bf because “he doesn’t do what he doesn’t want to do”. Oh really? Fuck that! A relationship always needs compromise. Even if he’s serious and does not have a side piece, do you want your relationship to always be his way or high way? Girl, put your own needs first.
He’s not proud to show you off to his friends and family. That should tell you everything you need to know.
The ‘strong hatred for cheating’ alone was enough. Allow me to translate: This is not too bright guy code for: “I cheat.”
He thinks he’s cleverly throwing you off. It appears he is.
He got ‘super upset’ that you ‘accidentally’ met his friends? Did this not strike you as odd, my love? Normal guys love showing their gfs off to the guys (“eat your hearts out”).
Now he’s on vacay in your town & made no plans to see you, including NYE, the biggest date night of the year? 🥳
Then he flips the script on you & resorts to blackmail?
Don’t let this peach get away, sis!
Stop begging! Stop asking. Just stop.
Either accept that you’re the side piece or move on.
Therapist here ~ you mentioned he has autism and that might be important in why it is hard for him to blend his friends/family life with his romantic life. However it is reasonable to expect that you be introduced to his important friends and family at this point in your relationship.
I would have a conversation with him sometime when things are calm and it is just the two of you. Ask “what comes up for you when you think about introducing me to friends/family?” Maybe starting slowly and asking to meet just one friend? And then, after that, maybe meet a family member after a couple weeks. Anyway, good stuff to talk about and figure out a plan for integrating with his other important people…….
He is married. Get out
I don’t understand why he’s given that ultimatum?
You are the cole slaw! The side dish in his life!
First – don’t push for something to happen then refuse when you get an invite that’s just childish.
Now his behavior is weird as hell. Why doesn’t he want you meeting his family and friends? That’s the real issue and it’s not one I would be okay with.
I’d leave. Something sketchy is going on – who knows what it is and who cares. Find someone who cares about you and wants you to meet their family and friends and wants to spend time with you.
The hard part for a lot of us to accept when we love someone and care about someone so much is that they don’t always feel the same. The fact is, he does understand your point of view. He gets where you are coming from and knows that it hurts you. But, for whatever reason he isn’t concerned with your feelings. He doesn’t care.