Sorry in advance for the length of this post. I’m originally from the West Coast and moved to the East Coast for grad school at the height of the pandemic. I met my current partner in the summer of 2022, and he’s originally from the city we live in. Everything was going well, and we moved in together at some point the following spring, right before he left to work at a summer camp for the summer. We talked about building a life together, and we seemed to be on the same page about what we wanted in the future.
When he returned from camp that August, I saw screenshots in his phone from a dating app he was using to talk to women in the area the summer camp was in. He said it never went any farther than small talk, and he wanted to see “if he still had it” or something along those lines.
I was obviously upset, and we reconciled a few days later after he wrote me a long letter outlining all the things he would do to prove that he was committed to me and our relationship (most importantly to me seeing a therapist to deal with his self esteem issues). Things were rocky for a while, but I genuinely felt I had reached a point where I could forgive him and trust him again.
Fast forward to the past week or so. I flew into my home city on December 22, and panned to stay until New Year’s at his suggestion because he was scheduled to work through the holidays. The same night, he went to see a movie with a friend from work and that friend’s theatre friends. At some point that night, they kissed.
We communicated regularly the whole time I was gone and I guess the guilt was eating him up because when I called him on Christmas morning he basically told me he had something upsetting to talk to me about, but he wanted to do it in person. I asked if everything was okay, and he just gave cryptic responses. I’ve been having trouble sleeping over it the past few days because he was adamant about telling me in person. Last night, I finally pointed out it wasn’t fair to me to wait until I was away from my family and people who could support me to drop a bomb on me, and he agreed to tell me if I promised to talk with him about it. That’s when he told me he kissed someone else and it “brought up a lot of emotions and feelings” for him.
I’m obviously furious and devastated, and let him know. He asked me what I needed from him, and I told him that at the moment, all I wanted was my keys to our apartment because I needed space (we switch keys when I travel because I have the only mailbox key). I also told him not to pick me up from the airport, which he usually does. I usually appreciate it and really need the help but at the moment I don’t want to be stuck in a taxi with him after what he’s done.
This apparently gave him the go ahead to point out that I contributed to the problems in our relationship too. His exact words were “I’m sorry I made a mistake and caused this but we have issues in the relationship we both have to work on.” Which may be true, but the issues I need to work on don’t involve infidelity.
I guess my question is is this relationship salvageable? It’s been less than 24 hours and I’m livid, but I don’t think I said anything hurtful or untrue. I can admit that there are things I can improve on, but I refuse to take responsibility for his decisions. In addition to dealing feelings of betrayal, I’m grieving our relationship, our life together, the future we could have had, and the family we planned on having.
I’m heading back to the East Coast on Thursday morning, and will essentially be alone. No friends, no family, no job. I think that’s going to be the hardest part, having to navigate it alone bc the person I usually turn to is the one who hurt me. If this is the end, how do I move on with no one to lean on?
TL;DR: Partner kissed another woman while I was home for the holidays, but wants to “work through it.” Should I have told him to leave?