Yesterday, my husband and I had an argument during which he said something that completely shattered me. He told me that it’s his house, that I live there at his mercy, and that I have no right to tell him what to do, all because I asked him to put his clothes in the laundry basket. Hearing that felt like a punch to the gut, especially after everything I’ve sacrificed to be with him. I gave up my career, left my family and friends, and moved to a foreign country I knew nothing about, and now I’m here without any real support system.
He earns a very high salary, and although I also work remotely, I make much less and can’t contribute financially in the same way. Since the argument, I’ve been extremely stressed so much so that I’ve been physically sick and throwing up. For the first time, I truly regret the choices I made. He has been apologizing repeatedly, especially after seeing how badly this has affected me, and says he was overwhelmed at work and unfairly took it out on me. But I’m struggling to trust him or move past what he said.
Before we got married, I was hesitant because it felt like such a huge risk, and he begged me to take that leap with him. Now I’m scared that what he said during that argument reflects what he really believes deep down. If that’s truly how he sees me, I know I will leave but the thought of returning to my home country and rebuilding my life from scratch is terrifying. I honestly don’t know what to do.
28 comments
Starting over is better than living with someone who tells you you’re at his mercy. Believe him.
My knee-jerk reaction is no one says this, during an argument, that doesn’t truly think or believe what they are saying.
The longer you stay, the more at his mercy you will be. Figure out your exit plan. Once that’s determined, you will figure out the rest.
Do not gaslight yourself into disbelieving what he’s already shown you. You gave up everything and he thinks you’re at his mercy. I would be gone so quick!
Oh, he said that with his chest. Try to save the little you can…but you have to get out.
There’s too much weight of truth behind that comment for it not to be what he’s really thinking. Start your exit plan now, OP.
You are still young. Starting again and rebuilding is better than living life at someone else’s “mercy”.
He wouldn’t have said it if he didn’t at some level have thought it. I’m sorry, I think you know what you have to do. If you work remotely then you can leave. I hope you figure out a way to do it.
Believe him. That doesn’t come from nowhere. I’d guess he will become abusive soon if you stay. UPDATEME
Get out while the getting is good
It’s not that hard to book yourself a flight to go back home. Do it when he’s at work.
Might I suggest starting an emergency fund? Open an account at a different bank and start putting money aside. Think of it as your Go Fund. You may never have to use it, but it’s nice to know you have the flexibility to leave if it comes to that. If your job is remote, can you move where ever you want to?
In the meantime, he needs to earn your trust again. Does he have sole ownership of the house? Would he be willing to put you on the deed?
When he is at work, leave and go back to your home country!
He said what he said because that is how he feels.
Don’t stay around for him to say it a second time.
Read – [Why Does He Do That PDF Free download by Lundy Bancroft – Free Books Mania](https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html)
Make a safe exit plan and go home to your family!
Get your passport when he isn’t there, pack up and run. He’s not safe and you can never trust him.
He’s backpedaling for now, next he’ll get you pregnant so you’re stuck.
Eventually you’ll need to rebuild your life because he’s going to get worse, so go now before he destroys you.
I have a fundamental rule in relationships- love is not about warm tingly feelings and googly eyes. Love is shown by the sacrifices you’re willing to make, and means you always have the other person’s best interests at heart.
You showed him love, and sacrificed a lot to be with him. Security, family, friends, familiarity, comfort.
What has he sacrificed? Because that comment is the exact opposite- it’s “I control you now.” A guy like that who isn’t even willing to pick up his laundry- what will he choose when there’s a cute coworker he kind of likes?
All indications are that he doesn’t see your worth, and does not have your best interests at heart.
Yes it’s scary AF, but I’d just pack and go. There’s no happy future with someone like that.
Misogyny is awful. It sounds like he thinks he has a maid instead of a partner.
Make your escape plan.
He’s told you he considers you trapped, and he has no regard for what you need or want.
Believe him. Get out.
Not sure where you guys live but your husbands not very smart. He’s in for a surprise when you ask for a divorce and he finds out Marital home legally belongs to both parties.
he moved you to a place where you know no one and positioned you to be dependent on him so he could be shitty to you. it won’t get better from here.
Start saving your money, sis. You need to be prepared for the worst. You 1000% need some sort of safety net, and if he were really sorry, and was really a good guy, he would help you build one. He would say, “I know this whole situation makes you feel unsafe, and I made it 100% worse. I will contribute to giving you back that feeling of safety that I broke.” And it has to be in a separate account, not one he can touch!
Don’t accept just an apology. This requires REPAIR.
I hope you see this for the HUGE red flag that it is. You don’t say something like that because you are stressed out at work. He meant that.
I know the thought of going back home and rebuilding your life is scary, but is it scarier than spending your life with someone who wants to control you? Than having no agency? Than spending your life in fear of what he might say and do next?
People let a whole lot of truth slip out when they’re angry. The thought has been in his head for a while, he just didn’t mean to say it out loud.
Your body is not the one lying to you.
Saying it’s his house out of anger maybe that could be something to get passed …. Saying you’re at his mercy IS FRIGHTENING. There is no coming back from THAT.
>Husband(29M) told me(28F) it’s his house and that I live at his mercy, and idk what to do?
>Before we got married, I was hesitant because it felt like such a huge risk, and he begged me to take that leap with him.
He took no leap. Just you.
You need to move back home.
Guy perspective here
Ever wonder if this was his plan all along OP? Isolate you from family and friends, probably an overbearing mother in law where he can do no wrong and you end up miserable, abused and in a position where you feel you have no hope
Wait till he’s at work, call trusted family or a friend, tell them what’s going on and begin your escape plan
If you think it’s hard to leave now it’ll be even harder once you have children and he’s made you quit work entirely for “the children”
Don’t waste another decade with this guy, Get out now
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with that, because those words aren’t just a slip, they’re a statement about power. You don’t have to decide today, but start protecting yourself. Talk to a therapist on your own, consult a local family lawyer about rights where you live, and quietly get your documents, savings, and an exit plan in order just in case. Keep notes of what was said and any patterns. If you want to strengthen your independence, look for ways to boost your income, I’ve had luck finding legit remote admin and support roles through my network and, for leads that aren’t scammy, I get emails from wfhalert which sends verified remote job listings. Even if you stay, you need a partner who respects you and a plan that doesn’t leave you trapped.