I (32M) have been married to my wife (30F) for three years. We both have good jobs, but I also run a very successful tech business on the side that I’ve worked incredibly hard for.
My brother-in-law (24M) recently decided he wants to get married to a girl he met only three months ago. The problem is, neither of them has any savings or a stable plan. My wife and her parents recently sat me down and asked me to cover the entire wedding cost, which is about $15,000.
Their reasoning? "This money is nothing to you, and he is your family now."
I told them "No." I suggested that if they don't have the budget, they should have a smaller, more affordable wedding that they can actually afford. Now, my wife is giving me the silent treatment and calling me "selfish and stingy." Her entire family has also been blowing up my phone with angry messages, accusing me of looking down on them just because I have more money.
I don't think it's fair to be expected to fund a major event for someone else just because I’m financially stable. Am I being unreasonable here? How do I handle this situation with my wife?
30 comments
That’s ridiculous. Her brother should have the wedding he can afford. If it’s going to the courthouse then so be it. You are not a provider to him or her family. You are only required to provide to your wife and family. If she doesn’t understand that then that’s a conversation you should’ve had with her before yall got married. Expectations here are unrealistic and unreasonable. This will pass.
Oh my word!!! Her family is nuts!!! That’s all I have to say! You did what was right, now stick to your guns!
Ask them to pay your down payment on a new house
Your wife’s behaviour is embarassing. Asking her husband to fund her brother’s wedding should cause her to cringe. It’s not about whether or not you can afford it, it’s about the audacity of the people expecting you to fund another man’s wedding. They’re not even asking politely or letting the brother man-up and approach you himself. Your MIL and wife are cut from the same cloth — audacious meddlers. I think you’re right to say no. Maybe if it was a girl he’d been dating for years that you know personally and you offered to help fund their wedding it would make sense… otherwise this sounds like the epitome of entitlement.
Maybe your wife doesn’t need to know so much about your financial status if she’s going to be volunteering your money to her family. Let her keep quiet… maybe the silent treatment is because she’s embarassed to have teamed up with her mother to make that disrespectful demand of her husband. Utter madness.
Can I ask what ethnicity you and your wife are? I am asian and I see this more often in asian households where family trumps everything.
OP seems to have also posted this to r/Testosterone:
https://www.reddit.com/r/Testosterone/s/z06VeHZKSQ
IMHO the replies there are more hilarious.
If you have any joint accounts keep an eye on them, she might take the money anyway
if your wife also have a good job she should fund it herself!
Hell no. Ridiculous ask.
Try to book a Gottman based marriage therapist if she’s willing to work on the marriage.
They say that you have to choose each other instead of extended families. Try to save your marriage if you can get her to also want to come to the table
Next thing her family will ask you to pay for their divorce.
Thats wild.
Your wife should not be putting you in this situation. Major red flag
Yeah, some people have absolutely no shame. They’d rather spend their entire lives relying on others for money than being responsible adults. If her brother can’t afford the wedding, he should wait and stop being an asshole.
How do you run a tech business “on the side” lmao
If you are looking down on them, then they are looking at you as free money or an atm. And that’s not a respectable relationship either.
The fact that your in-laws have asked you to pay for your brother-in-laws wedding, & then became angry about it screams entitlement. That alone is bad enough, but it isn’t what would upset me the most about this situation…
What I find most upsetting about this whole scenario is the fact that your wife became angry, indignant, & then childish (by giving you the silent treatment) when you refused to fund her brother’s wedding (to a woman he barely knows).
Idk why or how you aren’t upset with her. That outrageously entitled behavior is such a huge red-flag to me that it would have me questioning whether or not she’s there for the right reasons: b/c she loves you, or if it’s b/c she’s more attracted to the potential for accessing your money.
I hope that I’m wrong, but this whole thing wouldn’t sit well with me. I wish you luck.
Your reasoning is valid.
If they had a medical emergency, yes you should have paid if you could. But a wedding?
Did they pay your obligations when you had less money than them? If they helped you , yes you should have given a part of it. If not, tough luck guys this is life.
You worked for your money, you have built your company for your family. You, your wife, your future children.
If your wife continues to put her family over yours, then sit down with her and explain that her family now is you.
If she cannot understand that, get ready for tougher conversations.
Parents knew they have son wich will marry one day- they should have put aside money for that.I do kot see why you should iay fir it.You need to save money for your future kids.
If you pay now soon they will need a car, money to rent or buy house etc
Stand your ground , i would even consider leaving that crazy family.
Wow. Do you give them money a lot? Why in the world would they ever feel comfortable enough to approach you with such a crazy request?!?! I would seriously be considering a divorce if my husband ever got upset with me over something like this.
That’s the problem with having money. People will assume you just throw it around on every occasion and in their heads it’s already a done deal.
Keep your foot down and try to make your wife see how dumb this all is.
If they really want to have a 15k wedding, why doesn’t the entire family (their own blood??) put together money for the wedding?
Look, if they want the money, have them borrow the money from you as a loan. draw up papers and so forth… that’s a compromise…
Maybe ask your wife why the parents are not footing the bill since it’s their son…
you are not a jerk for saying no and you have excellent logical reasons. heck I would say the same. Talk with your wife and ask her how or why they brought it to him instead of family funded…
Not a dime
Today its wedding, tomorrow its a house. Then who knows what. If you pay for it you are teaching them that you can exploited as a cash cow. A 24-year-old should not even want to take your money and have pride to pay for a smaller venue or just go to the courthouse and get married. That is not your responsibility. If it was just $1000 he needed, then that’s another story but $15,000 is not a small ask even if you have it. If you really wanted to give that kind of money you are extremely generous and when you declined the request, they should take the answer graciously because that is not their money and they are not entitled to it.
Your wife and her family are a bunch of nuts from the planet CRAZY. Please tell me there was no inkling they were anything like this before you married her…
I wish I could add something more positive but this is crazy . You are doing the right thing . It’s so inappropriate for them to ask you this .
Just curious, are the family from another country ? Maybe expectations are different
Prosperity is not a public utility to be tapped by familial decree. This is not charity; it is the commodification of your labor. A “no” now defends the sanctity of your future.
You worked hard for yours – tell them you are not going to fund another man’s wedding. It’s not even an investment in your extended family, it’s a sunk cost.
I would get out of the marriage as soon as possible. It wouldn’t get any better down the road.