Hey everyone, I’m seeking a bit of guidance and advice after a sexual encounter I recently had. I’m a 27yr old female and he is a 34yr old male. I live in what can be described as a “hick” and conservative city. All of my sexual experiences have been with men from this city. This man had relatives he was visiting in the city for a short period of time but lived in Europe. I got out of a long term monogamous relationship and few months ago and so have been engaging in hook-ups here and there. Early in my sexual history I discovered I excel at giving head and I have felt a bit slighted because I felt like I wasn’t receiving as much selfless effort toward my own pleasure as I give. I chalked this up to immature partners and was excited to go on a date with someone older. So we hang out, we make a connection, we end up back at my place. He quickly discovers I’m a bit kinky and we start experimenting with rough play, deep throating and asphyxiation, eye contact and power dynamics, etc, and other things I haven’t tried before. He is clearly more experienced in this realm and the whole time he is constantly checking in, asking if I’m okay, if I like it, and if I want to keep going- something I’ve never experienced. During the post-sex debrief/aftercare – which he initiated and once again I was not familiar with – I admitted to saying yes when I wanted to say no and pushing my limits a bit because I wanted to impress him. He said its important that I feel good and should always tell the truth about how I feel. I said I feel like I have a lot to process after that and he said that’s normal after having sex like we did. It touched me so deeply to be cared for like this during and after sex, I cried for hours the next day, it held up a mirror to my raging self-esteem issues. It made me feel horrified about the kind of treatment I had allowed from others and myself in the past. I feel like I’ve had an awakening as to how spiritual sex can be and want to have more sex like this. Does anyone have any suggestions about books to read or topics to research to help me process this experience and be better moving forward? Advice and thoughts appreciated as well.