My wife and I have been happily married for 4 years, and have a three year old and a new baby born in September.
For context, I've struggled with various mental health issues before and during our marriage, including a long period of post-natal depression after our first child. I got through that with a change in job, medication and going to therapy and have been doing much better for the past year and a half or so.
A few days ago I googled my only real previous girlfriend. We dated for three months in college about 12 years ago. I broke it off with her, but regretted my decision a few months later and tried to get back together with her, by which point she was with someone else. That whole period of my life was quite rough in a few ways, and in the past I've definitely spent a lot of time in the past replaying decisions I made then and regretting my choices.
She seems to be doing well – professionally at least, which is all I can see on Google – but looking her up has bought up all of these old feelings, and I'm finding it's the only thing I think about. I'm thinking constantly about that relationship; how it ended; all my feelings at the time; what I’d say to her if I saw her again. Thinking constantly about this has really affected me, to the point I'm breaking down in tears several times a day.
I haven't talked to my wife about what's causing me to feel like this, but she can see how I am, and thinks it's my mental health issues resurfacing. She's been sympathetic and supportive so far – and always has been – I don't feel like I can talk to her about what's triggered this. I worry she'll think that's a bad reflection on our relationship. It's also because – in comparing my life to that of my ex's – they seem very different, and I think part of what I'm feeling is remorse for missing out on a different kind of life from the married-with-two-kids life I have. I don't want her to think I'm unhappy or unsatisfied with what we have – because I'm not – but just that this thinking about what might have been has hit me really hard.
What I really want is just to stop having these thoughts and go back to how things were a week ago. Part of me wants to email my ex – we didn't leave things in the best place, and maybe clearing the air with her and reconnecting as friends will stop me obsessing so much. But I know that would be a massive brief of trust with my wife, so I wouldn't do it without talking to her first.
But I don't know how to broach that conversation. My other alternative is just waiting it out until I feel better and stop thinking about the past so much – going back to work after the holidays will probably be a good distraction that will help with that. I've also wondered if I should reach out to my therapist (I've not been to therapy in 18 months) and talk this all through with her instead.
TL;DR – I'm obsessing about a past relationship and it's really affecting my mental health. I don't know how (or if) to broach the topic with my wife.
[And just to justify mysekf to the automod asking if this is about a breakup – it isn't really; the breakup in question happened 12 years ago. The relationship I'm asking for advice about is my one with my wife]