Context: I like going down on my wife. As someone who gets as excited by giving pleasure as much as receiving – I spent time studying techniques and paying attention to how my wife reacted when I do certain things so I could figure out how to make sure it was good for her. She is multi orgasmic and I can get her to one pretty quickly by using my mouth and fingers (she gets there by PIV as well, but she has stronger ones when I'm performing orally – something she has affirmed herself, and I can tell by how her body convulses).
The only problem is, is that she rarely lets me do it. She is super apprehensive about smell/taste because some asshole in the past told her it smelled once. I have NEVER experienced any bad smell or taste with her, and I try to reassure her over and over, sometimes even during the act, to get her to relax and enjoy it.
It's now been many months since she has let me do it though. We've talked about it a couple times and she has expressed that she is so anxious about it, that the idea is just making her lose any desire for it and sometimes, sex itself. To the point where she is telling me that if I really want to do that, I should find a friend with benefits to do that with. (Additional context – we have dabbled a bit in the swinging lifestyle, and she has also expressed interest in watching me with another woman.) She is a submissive and in the past I would be assertive as the dom and tell her to just shut up, do what she is told, relax, and just enjoy it. That used to be enough to get her into it, but it doesn't anymore. (Those instances are consensual, we have a safe word and what we call a medium word. Where the medium word is used to stop or prevent an activity, but doesn't stop the session. The safe word stops the session. During aftercare, we would talk about what we liked/disliked and she always talked about how much she enjoyed the oral.)
The problem with that, is I want to do that to/with her, and I want her to feel comfortable with her body. I love every inch of her, and I do not care one bit about the outside of a person, I care about who she is, and the fact that she is my wife. I know she enjoys the act once I can get her to relax, but I just can't get her past the anxiety.
Other than that one aspect, our sex life is absolutely amazing. I won the lottery in that regard.
It pains me that she is so hung up on that and can't just enjoy it. Any suggestions on how I can help her? She does already have a therapist, and she has talked to her about it. I just want to be able to make her feel as good as she makes me feel.