Hi everyone,
I’m looking for some outside perspective.
My husband [32M] and I [33F] are newly married. His parents are kind to me, and my husband genuinely believes they love me and mean well.
But there is a pattern of small things that makes me feel uneasy, and I am not sure if I am overthinking or if something is actually off.
One example is around our house and finances. They casually suggested that I move my name off our marital home and instead put it on a property I owned before marriage for tax saving reasons. This would leave the marital home more in my husband’s name than mine. It was framed as practical tax advice, but it would reduce my legal protection and shift things away from being jointly held.
Another example is our wedding. My in laws told us we do not need to have a wedding if we do not want to. I think this is probably because they do not want to help pay much for it and also do not want their son to be stressed about the cost, which I understand. But no one asked them and no one said we would not want to do one. It felt like they were pre deciding by suggesting it that way. Their words also clearly influence my husband, which then puts me in the position of having to push back later to protect my own needs.
Last moment that stood out was about a car. We were casually talking about our dream car. It was not a serious plan because it is outside our budget right now. My husband was explaining why he should be getting the car, and I asked if I could drive it whenever. He smiled and said yes, and I felt really happy in that moment. Then his sister cut in and said that he is not going to get it. I said yes for now, and then my husband added that he would not get it. It felt like the decision suddenly shifted from being between us to being influenced by his family, and it showed me how much he can be influenced by them without really noticing.
None of these things alone are dramatic. But together, they make me feel like my sense of place and security in the marriage were reduced.
When I bring this up, my husband initially says I am overthinking and that his parents love me and do not mean anything by it. After talking more, he usually lands on something like maybe his parents are doing a little something, but they love me, and I am also a very sensitive person who tends to take things personally. I think he really does not see their involvement as having any real impact on our life.
I truly do not think they mean harm. I think they are protective of their son, and that protection sometimes automatically puts me in a weaker position.
Thank you for any outside perspectives
TL;DR: Am I actually overthinking this? Does this sound like normal family behavior, or like subtle boundary crossing? How should I communicate this to my husband when his instinct is to minimize it, and how do I express my needs without sounding accusatory or too sensitive?