basically, she was the one who ititiated everything in the beginning (first date, first kisses, first sex) and only told me she wasn’t always comfortable with touch because of past trauma about 6 months into dating. we didn’t talk much about it, though i tried to better understand her. nevertheless, i kept that in mind and always, always asked for consent, even when it came to non-sexual touch, sometimes multiple times when i could see she wanted to say no but was saying yes, and when she finally did say no – i stopped immediately and gave her space, reassuring her that it’s completely fine, i’m not mad and she can ALWAYS say no if she doesn’t feel like doing something and i will never ever be mad or even upset about it.
at some point she did reluctantly start to say no to things when she felt like it and i was incredibly proud of her and always thanked her for being honest – the last thing i wanted was to make her uncomfortable. but shortly after she just.. stopped and it was the same dance with me checking in multiple times before doing anything. she also gradually stopped initiating almost any touch over the course of like 5 months, and it was making me genuinely sad, because we used to be very lovey-dovey in the beginning and i always loved being touched – even someone simply sitting shoulder to shoulder with me would always be great.
just to clarify – her comfort was always my first priority, and i tried very hard to be a safe space for her, and we also did have genuine friendship as a foundation, so it’s not like i was crossing some boundaries in other areas of our relationship.
basically.. i know it sounds dumb and illogical, and i’ve also been dwelling on it way too long because she broke up with me last spring, but the way she said “your touch became so unpleasant to me that i started to avoid meeting up with you”, along with a certain memory of her clearly being incredibly uncomfortable during our last sex but not saying anything (i still stopped, obviously) has stuck with me. i still have dreams (well, nightmares) about that moment and her saying that phrase afterwards, because it genuinely made me feel like a damn r**ist. again, i know, illogical, but i can’t shake that feeling no matter how much i try.
i still do blame it all on her extreme avoidance, but she’s also with someone else already and has been for a while, so i just.. idk what i did wrong. based on what she’s told me, this pattern always repeats in her relationships – she flees when it starts to get serious, the stakes are high and any issues arise.
i guess i just wonder if i could’ve done anything differently. communicated more, asked her about it more.. i just didn’t wanna push her too far as she clearly preferred to talk about stuff little by little. welp, learned that lesson now – i should also speak up more when something bothers me, because i’m left with broken trust and, for the first time in my life, a very strong dislike for touch. makes me flinch and want to scream and run away now.
basically.. have any of you guys ever been in a similar situation? how did you communicate through it? and if you feel like i do, how do you deal with the subconscious guilt even if you KNOW logically that it wasn’t your fault? i really want to let go and move on, but i feel like such a dick and we don’t even speak now so i can’t talk to her about it, which i know would help 🙁